Last Day of IOP...

Today is officially my last day with the Intensive Outpatient Program at Valley Hope.  I finished up the curriculum last weekend, but was still able to participate in group stuff up until today.  We opted to do it, since IOP does improve relapse rates, and VH offers an online program that was perfect for our situation.  Might as well put everything in our corner that we have available to us.  It required 9 hours logged online each week, which meant close to an hour and a half each day for 6 weeks.  It was a bit to manage with a hectic schedule and an almost 3 year old, but by logging in at naptime each day I managed.  After all, sobriety has to come first.  Sometimes it seems like family should come first, but without sobriety, I can't put them first, so I knew I had to make time.

And it was very helpful to keep me engaged.  The content was mostly pretty repetitive of what I learned while I was in treatment, but it was helpful to be able to review it again now that I'm back home, and by making it a daily activity I knew I was getting a regular dose of where my head should be.  It was especially helpful when I first returned home, and everything felt like I was sticking a square peg into a round hole.  I definitely feel much more at home again, and like I've established a good routine, some new healthy habits, and am doing pretty well at staying flexible and making time for myself even though I'm staying happily busy.

But I am pretty happy that now I will have a little extra time each day to devote to sobriety in different ways.  Either reading some literature or getting on here and journaling more about recovery.  I haven't been able to journal as much as I would like, and so hopefully now I'll be able to do that.  In addition to writing here, I want to start keeping a daily log of positives and negatives - my daily inventory, if you like.  I've been doing pretty well at running through my negatives each night as I ask forgiveness, but I think it's important to keep track of the good things we do each day as well.

Another milestone is being passed this week.  My husband left for his first business trip yesterday, and returns tomorrow.  Fortunately a short one!  He has a couple more coming up, which will be longer, so at least this one was short to get me used to it.  Before when my husband went on a business trip, it was an opportunity for me to drink.  He wouldn't be around, so I could drink without the trouble of hiding it, and after all, "taking care" of my daughter without any extra help meant that I deserved it... right.

Anyway, we were both a little apprehensive about it.  And when I first got back from treatment we thought that maybe I would go visit my Aunt and Uncle when this came up.  But things have been going so well, I felt confident enough to give it a go.  And I must say, it's been a bit like the square peg again.  Yesterday I definitely had more urges than I've had in a while, probably since I first got back.  But I just kept doing the next right thing, whether that was emptying the dishwasher, hanging out in the kiddie pool with my daughter, or going for a walk; and I tell you what, it works!  I don't think it will ever be a picnic to have my husband gone, but it has gotten more comfortable as it passed.  I'll have a lot more confidence, and I expect a lot less discomfort when he has to do it again.  And, I'm quite proud of myself!  (But I do miss my husband and can't wait till he's home for dinner tomorrow!

From 24 Hours a Day...

Disillusionment and doubt spoil life.  The doubting ones are the  disillusioned ones.  When you are in doubt, you are on the fence.  You are not going anywhere.  Doubt poisons all action.  "Well, I don't know" - so you don't do anything.  You should meet life with a "Yes," an affirmative attitude.  There is good in the world and we can follow that good.  There is power available to help us to do the right thing; therefore we will accept that power.  There are miracles of change in people's lives; therefore we will accept those miracles as evidence of God's power.

Prayer for the Day:
I pray that I will not be paralyzed by doubt.  I pray that I may go along on the venture of faith.

Twenty-Four Hours a Day - Hazelden Meditations, 1954

For me today this says something about what I need to do to get a sponsor - stop doubting and take action despite it.  Have faith about it, and stop waiting to see...

From 24 Hours a Day...

Thought of the Day for June 29th-

"The program... involves a continuous striving for improvement. There can be no long resting period.  We must try to work at it all the time.  We must continually keep in mind that it is a program not to be measured in years, because we never fully reach our goals nor are we ever cured.  Our alcoholism is only kept in abeyance by daily living of the program.  It is a timeless program in every sense.  We live it day by day, or more precisely, moment by moment - now."

Twenty Four Hours A Day, Hazelden Meditations, Reprint Edition 1992

On Steps 1, 2 & 3

The biggest effect that alcohol had on my self-esteem was that it made me feel badly about myself because I couldn't manage to control my drinking on my own. I felt certain that if I wanted a good life badly enough, that I would be able to control it on my own. I thought that I simply had to choose "not to drink," but that never seemed to work, I kept drinking anyway. That in turn, made me feel like I was no good, and didn't want it badly enough. While it's true that it is my choice whether or not to drink, I didn't realize that I needed help, and that it wasn't quite as simple as sheer will-power. The constant guilt and inner dialogue and turmoil left me feeling like I was no good, and I was the problem.

It robbed my husband of the ability to trust me. It made me angry and resentful towards him. Because he didn't treat me as I should be treated. He didn't know how to handle the situation, and therefore did treat me unfairly at times, but that wasn't his fault, it was mine. No body taught him in school how to handle and alcoholic wife. It took treatment for me to be able to see that. When I started recovery I still felt very much like he was responsible for some of my problem. It also robbed me of some very special time with my daughter as a young child. Although I was always there, and although I was a "responsible, functioning" drunk, the disease was ruling my life, and my natural desires weren't. There was plenty of time wasted managing my disease, and hiding it. The effects that drinking had on me changed my nature and removed valuable patience I needed and replaced it with selfishness and self absorption.  That doesn't make for a great mother.

Spiritually drinking left me stranded. I still had "faith" but faith alone gets you no where. I never stopped praying that God would intervene and help, but whenever He tried, I turned around and marched the wrong way. I was left empty and feeling very alone. I knew that God could help, but I couldn't figure out how. I still kept trying to do it myself, not realizing the importance of surrender. I didn't realize the arrogance in that, and I didn't realize that left me wandering in the dark, left with nothing but my own inability.

My higher power is an awesome one. He is everything. He is the beginning and the end. He is the origin of everything and its conclusion. He is everything I can't even fathom. He is love. He loves each one of us more than we could love any other person, even our own children. He made love, he is the source of it, and He gives it freely. He is all-knowing. He knew me before I was born, even the number of hairs on my head. He knows my thoughts before I do. He is all-powerful. No tragedy is to diffcult for Him, no trouble too great. If you can imagine it, He can fix it. He can fix it even if you can't imagine it. He is all-mighty. There is no person, no force, no situation which He can not triumph over. Every bad force or thing you could imagine in this world shakes in its boots at the thought of Him. Everything evil in this universe even acknowledges Him as God. He is merciful. He forgives us. And He is our salvation. He sacrificed His own son for each and every one of us. And it is through Him that we all have the opportunity for redemption. Eventhough 150,000,000,000 of us have probably walked this earth, He cares so deeply for each one of us that He is always there, always willing and always capable. He knows every detail of our lives and every thought we have from the moment we are born until the moment we die. He wants the best for us in our lives and has a plan for us. Even little, old, inconsequential me. We just have to turn to Him and ask.

And for me, turning to Him and asking means getting up every morning, and telling Him that I surrender to His plan for me. It's as simple as that.  Yes there are alot of other details, but the only one essential is that I must want Him in my life, and give myself to Him completely each and every day. I must be hungry for Him. I must know that He is the way, the truth and the life. That there is no way to happiness but through Him. And you know, the line about "not forgetting our past nor wishing to shut the door on it" is very true for me in the sense that it was alcoholism that led me to this realization. I "knew" it, but I didn't know it.  It was my inability to stop drinking, by relying on my own will-power alone, that led me to "give up." Giving up doesn't have to mean succumbing. It doesn't have to mean giving in. It just means that we have to stop trying to do it alone. Admit defeat. That we need help. It is true that "the poor in spirit" and "those who mourn" are blessed. For without being poor in spirit or ever mourning we would never know how much we need God. If everything was just perfect all the time, what would we need God for? Why would we ever come to know Him better?

Now that doesn't mean that, now that I have figured this out, that I will lead a perfect life. It doesn't mean that there won't be times where I have a bad day. It doesn't mean that I won't make mistakes, or get frustrated or start getting tired of "the program." It doesn't mean that I won't fall into routine and away from what is best for me. But as long as I keep asking him to come into my life; as long as I keep remembering to act myself into new ways of thinking and do the "next right thing" I shouldn't ever stray too far.  WHo knew that it took "giving up" to win?  Rather ironic, no?

A New Way of Life...

As a part of my recovery, I am making an effort to be a bit more flexible with my schedule, and try and not get so anxious over getting things done.  For example, the other day, when I realized that my daughter had fallen asleep in the car, I stopped by the side of the road and picked some wild flowers that I had been admiring each time I drove past.

So today, on my way back from the garden center, I spied this Frau out working in the fields.  I went home, dropped off my plants, grabbed my camera and headed back to snap a few shots.  Hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

UN-Serenity

Last night at the meeting our topic was "Just for one day" and doing "The next right thing."  I shared with the group that on Thursday, for some unknown reason, I kept getting the urge to drink.  It still wasn't what I would call a craving - I wasn't obsessing and fixating on it, but for some reason the thought kept crossing my mind.  Doing "the next right thing" worked for me, but it was a little unsettling to not be able to figure out why I was struggling. (And when I say struggling, please don't be alarmed - I wasn't STRUGGLING, I just wasn't serene, and couldn't figure out why.)  Who knows, I shared, maybe it was because it was Thursday, and almost the weekend, but not quite; or maybe I was struggling because my daughter wasn't having a great day - and I wasn't in the best frame of mind to deal with it.  Who knows.

I also shared that it was very interesting, because when my husband got home, he asked me how I was doing.  I gave him the standard "fine" (which one of my counselors told us stands for "Frazzled, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.)  But then I thought better of it, and went into the kitchen and asked him how he was doing.  And it was really good.  We had a very open and honest conversation about how we were feeling.  And we both listened. Turns out that he had been doing pretty well with trusting me, but for some reason on Thursday, he too struggled a bit.  So the day that drinking kept crossing my mind, he felt sure that he was going to come home to a drunk or hungover wife.  Pretty interesting that would happen on the same day I was kept having the urge!  But the discussion itself made me feel much better, and helped me get over the day.  So doing the next right thing had payed off, in a way I never expected.

The group was very helpful in their feedback.  They shared that it is important, on such days, to remember that why it is happening isn't as important as getting through it, and remembering that all time passes.  They shared that when they focused on remembering to look at the next 24 hours or the rest of the day as the only goal, that the next day was almost, always better.  They shared that when they looked at their early sobriety, they realized that it was on such days that the urge to drink was telling them that they needed to "escape."  They deserved to be "on another planet."  And that struck home.  It wasn't just the urge to drink for the sake of feeling "full" I was dealing with.  It was the urge to escape or "reward" myself.

They continued to share, and talked about the importance of service, and one of the members mentioned someone who said that the 2 pillars of ego are entitlement and control; and that usually, when he's having a day like that, he realizes it is one of those two issues that is causing the problem.  And I realized that is exactly what happened on Thursday.

Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty busy days for me.  I had ladies groups both days, my daughter had school one day, and I was back in the swing of running around and keeping schedules.  The anxiety of which, being a trigger for me in the past.  I managed Tuesday and Wednesday well, and shared with my online counselor that I had worked hard to maintain balance so that I didn't feel overwhelmed or frazzled, so I thought I had done all right. 

What I didn't realize, was that both days were beautiful days weather wise, and what I really wanted was some time to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine.  So when Thursday came along, I just wanted to sit around outside and read.  And when my daughter had her own agenda, and was being difficult about everything, it was ruining my own selfish interests.  I felt entitled to a day in the sun, afterall!  I had just spent the previous two days running around fulfilling "duties!"  (Not that ladies groups are duties - they just felt that way this week when what I really wanted was something else!)  The urges to drink were in response to my selfishness, and not being able to do what I wanted, the way I wanted to, and when.  I was feeling the need to "escape" from my daughter and reward myself.  I was finding it difficult to deal with life on life's terms, and not resort to drinking or controlling the situation and my daughter in a similar fashion.

So in the end, the meeting helped me figure out what I couldn't figure out for myself.  The character defect causing the "UN-serenity" was selfishness.  So for now, I will continue to pray that God remove this character defect (although I realize this one might take him a while!) and that I remember that taking care of my daughter and attending to her, even when she's less than perfect, is just about the most important service role I will ever have.  I will try to remember that the "itch" is often a result of my inability to deal with life in general, and remember that I am just a baby when it comes to coping with life without alcohol.  Each day will not be perfect and serene, and it is these days that doing the "next right thing" will teach me more about how it is that "normal" people deal with everyday life.