Letting Go

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off; it's the realization that I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle of arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own outcome.
To let go is not to be protective; it is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
To let go and let God, is to find peace.

Letting God...

A devotional that I just received and started reading today asked "Under what circumstances do you find it difficult to believe that God is in control and knows what He is doing?"

1. When I am overly busy, and too focused on getting my to-do list done.
2. When I am angry, fearful or tired.
3. When my motives are out of line.
4. When I'm not focusing on today, and either getting caught up in tomorrow or yesterday.

It also asked "Under what circumstances is believing easier for you?"
1. When I am taking time to do my daily prayer, meditation and reflection.
2. When I am maintaining balance.
3. When I am "right" with God.
4. When it applies to someone else!

Being Meek...

In my reading yesterday I came across the Beatitudes and their relationship to the 12 steps.  One of my counselors shared that the Beatitudes are part of the basis for the program, but this is the first time that I've seen them layed out in such a way.  I found it in the Celebrate Recover Bible from Rick Warren.

Here's how they go...

Step 1 - "Blessed are the poor in spirit." Matthew 5:3
Step 2 - "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Step 3 - "Blessed are the meek." Matthew 5:5
Steps 4 and 5 - "Blessed are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Steps 6 and 7 - "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness." Matthew 5:6
Steps 8 and 9 - "Blessed are the merciful." Matthew 5:7 and "Blessed are the peacemakers" Matthew 5:9
Step 12 - "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness."

I didn't know that there is a basis for the steps in the beatitudes when I first entered treatment.  But I can assure you that I was able to relate to feeling "poor in spirit" in a way I never had before.  When I have read the Beatitudes in the past, it was often difficult to relate to these terms because they almost sound like they must represent someone else.  Poor people we see on the street, or people who can't stand up for themselves, or just "losers" in general.  I have always felt pretty self-sufficient, pretty capable.  Not exactly poor or meek.

But it wasn't just the humility of checking into treatment that made me feel poor in spirit.  I realized that while I had been drinking I was incredibly poor in spirit.  Now that doesn't men that God was going to bless me while I was drinking, but it was the "bottom" that was required to turn back to God.  It took hitting that bottom to make me realize that I had strayed so far and needed help.  And being poor in spirit is something that God does bless if we turn to Him and just ask.  It is something I should actually strive for day by day.  For after all, if we are not poor in spirit - what do we need God for?

But "meek?"  What's up with that?  Typically when we read this we think, "OK, so I'm supposed to go around letting everybody walk all over me, I guess."  But a great pastor I had in NYC shared some insight on this once.  The Greek word for "meek" is praos, and the original definition of this word was "becoming tamed, as a wild animal is tamed."  One of the wildest animals that humans are the most successful in taming is the horse.  The strong, beautiful, capable horse.  And for thousands of years, when tamed, these beasts provided for our very way of life.  They are such amazing, beautiful creatures, yet it takes learning how to take the bit in the mouth, and be led by men, before their calm and gentle nature can be truely appreciated.  James 3:3 says "When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal."

So, being meek, actually doesn't necessarily mean that we are weak and tend to let people walk all over us.  It means that even though we are beautiful, strong "wild animals," we can be tamed by our obedience to God.  That really shed a whole new light on what it meant to be meek.  And for once it made sense, being meek isn't weak - it's being obedient and tame.

One of the ways that we must be obedient, is to try and become less selfish and realize that trying to control other people will only lead us to anger and resentment.  Someone at the meeting last night shared how it was in his nature to get upset when someone in the family didn't put the dishes away right, or stack the groceries in the cart according to his system of appropriate order.  I could certainly relate to that.  My poor husband.  I can't tell you the number of times I have gotten annoyed with him, because he wasn't doing something the way that I thought it should be done.  After all, I always thought, if you are going to do something - you should make the effort to do it right, right?  And of course, that always made the problem his. He wasn't doing it right (my right, which of course is - well, right.) :)

Another example of being selfish and ego is the need to always be right.  I have spent plenty of time talking or noting or focusing on how other people are wrong.  I know my husband feels that I am incapable of admitting that I am wrong.  I have always insisted that I do it when I am wrong - it's just that happens so infrequently that it seems like never.

So now that I see these behaviors and can recognize how annoying they must be to live with in a person, I hope to recognize them as they arrive and take another track.  When something doesn't get put away the way I would like it done, why not wait until my husband has helped, and then later adjust the organization of those items?  Afterall, I'm the one that has to have them just so.  And maybe someday I'll decided that it's not worth that effort, but for now, if it's important to me, then what's the harm in doing it myself?  When a discussion begins to border on argument - why not just concede the point, regardless of whether I'm actually right or not.  Who cares?  Is it really worth a bad Saturday afternoon?  Who knows, maybe that person is even right?  Anything is possible after all. :)

Which brings me back to the Beatitudes.  Let's remember that they all begin "Blessed are..." The point is not to list some behaviors that we should all strive for, meekness, purity, righteous, etc. The point is that, when we learn to harness these behaviors and find a place for them in our lives and our spirit, we will be blessed by God.  Learning to obey God and submit our lives to His care in "meekness" will open up new possibilities in our lives and enrich them.  Being "poor in spirit" and therefore seeking God out to help manage our lives will allow Him to work through us and bless us in ways that we never could have accomplished all on our own.

UN-Serenity

Last night at the meeting our topic was "Just for one day" and doing "The next right thing."  I shared with the group that on Thursday, for some unknown reason, I kept getting the urge to drink.  It still wasn't what I would call a craving - I wasn't obsessing and fixating on it, but for some reason the thought kept crossing my mind.  Doing "the next right thing" worked for me, but it was a little unsettling to not be able to figure out why I was struggling. (And when I say struggling, please don't be alarmed - I wasn't STRUGGLING, I just wasn't serene, and couldn't figure out why.)  Who knows, I shared, maybe it was because it was Thursday, and almost the weekend, but not quite; or maybe I was struggling because my daughter wasn't having a great day - and I wasn't in the best frame of mind to deal with it.  Who knows.

I also shared that it was very interesting, because when my husband got home, he asked me how I was doing.  I gave him the standard "fine" (which one of my counselors told us stands for "Frazzled, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.)  But then I thought better of it, and went into the kitchen and asked him how he was doing.  And it was really good.  We had a very open and honest conversation about how we were feeling.  And we both listened. Turns out that he had been doing pretty well with trusting me, but for some reason on Thursday, he too struggled a bit.  So the day that drinking kept crossing my mind, he felt sure that he was going to come home to a drunk or hungover wife.  Pretty interesting that would happen on the same day I was kept having the urge!  But the discussion itself made me feel much better, and helped me get over the day.  So doing the next right thing had payed off, in a way I never expected.

The group was very helpful in their feedback.  They shared that it is important, on such days, to remember that why it is happening isn't as important as getting through it, and remembering that all time passes.  They shared that when they focused on remembering to look at the next 24 hours or the rest of the day as the only goal, that the next day was almost, always better.  They shared that when they looked at their early sobriety, they realized that it was on such days that the urge to drink was telling them that they needed to "escape."  They deserved to be "on another planet."  And that struck home.  It wasn't just the urge to drink for the sake of feeling "full" I was dealing with.  It was the urge to escape or "reward" myself.

They continued to share, and talked about the importance of service, and one of the members mentioned someone who said that the 2 pillars of ego are entitlement and control; and that usually, when he's having a day like that, he realizes it is one of those two issues that is causing the problem.  And I realized that is exactly what happened on Thursday.

Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty busy days for me.  I had ladies groups both days, my daughter had school one day, and I was back in the swing of running around and keeping schedules.  The anxiety of which, being a trigger for me in the past.  I managed Tuesday and Wednesday well, and shared with my online counselor that I had worked hard to maintain balance so that I didn't feel overwhelmed or frazzled, so I thought I had done all right. 

What I didn't realize, was that both days were beautiful days weather wise, and what I really wanted was some time to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine.  So when Thursday came along, I just wanted to sit around outside and read.  And when my daughter had her own agenda, and was being difficult about everything, it was ruining my own selfish interests.  I felt entitled to a day in the sun, afterall!  I had just spent the previous two days running around fulfilling "duties!"  (Not that ladies groups are duties - they just felt that way this week when what I really wanted was something else!)  The urges to drink were in response to my selfishness, and not being able to do what I wanted, the way I wanted to, and when.  I was feeling the need to "escape" from my daughter and reward myself.  I was finding it difficult to deal with life on life's terms, and not resort to drinking or controlling the situation and my daughter in a similar fashion.

So in the end, the meeting helped me figure out what I couldn't figure out for myself.  The character defect causing the "UN-serenity" was selfishness.  So for now, I will continue to pray that God remove this character defect (although I realize this one might take him a while!) and that I remember that taking care of my daughter and attending to her, even when she's less than perfect, is just about the most important service role I will ever have.  I will try to remember that the "itch" is often a result of my inability to deal with life in general, and remember that I am just a baby when it comes to coping with life without alcohol.  Each day will not be perfect and serene, and it is these days that doing the "next right thing" will teach me more about how it is that "normal" people deal with everyday life.

From some of my reading this morning...

In the AA book Living Sober (1), copy right 1975, 1998...

     "Anger in all its aspects is a universal human problem.  But it poses a special threat to alcoholics: Our own anger can kill us.  Recovered alcoholics almost unanimously agree that hostility, grudges, or resentments often make us want to drink, so we need to be vigilant against such feelings.  We have found much more satisfying ways than drinking for dealing with them.
     But we'll get to those later.  First, here is a look at some of the shapes and colors anger seems at time to arrive in:

• intolerance
• contempt
• envy
• hatred
• snobbishness
• rigidity
• cynicism
• discontent
• tension
• sarcasm
• self-pity
• malice
• distrust
• anxiety
• suspicion
• jealousy..."

I learned in treatment that anger is actually a secondary emotion, usually rooted in a primary emotion where we might actually feel hurt, afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, forced, trapped, or pressured.  So if anger is secondary, then the list from Living Sober would actually become tertiary (in the third order.)  So when we feel these things, although anger may be the root, it is most likely pain, fear or some other primary emotion at the core.  (I googled secondary and tertiary emotions, and they have indeed seem to have been classified this way...)  I italicized some of the ones that I found more interesting, and probably would not have attributed to anger...

From Keep It Simple - June 7th -
     "We can't afford to hold grudges.  We have all felt hurt by others at times.  But when we stay angry at another person, it hurts us. It keeps our wounds open.  It takes our energy away from our healing.
     We can forgive now.  We know that living our program of honesty and love makes us safe.  We don't have to be afraid.  We don't have to be angry. We don't have to let old hurts stand in our way.  We let them go.  We empty the anger from our hearts to clear the way for love."

Nicely coupled with the meditation for the day from Twenty-Four Hours A Day -
     "You not only can live a new life but you also can grow in grace and power and beauty.  Reach ever forward and upward after the things of the spirit.  In the animal world, the very form of an animal changes to enable it to reach that upon which it delights to feed.  Your whole character changes as you reach upward for the things of the spirit - for beauty, for love, for honesty, for purity, and for unselfishness.  Reaching after these things of the spirit, your whole nature becomes so changed so that you can best receive and delight in the wonders of the abundant life."
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(1) Sober Living, AA, copy right 1975, 1998.
(2) Keep It Simple Hazelden Meditations, copyright 1989 - June 7th -
(3) Twenty-Four Hours A Day Hazelden Meditations, copyright 1954, 1975, 1992-