I'm Back...

So right after posting that I was going to be posting more... I stopped posting.  Oops.  Well, a series of events led up to that.  First I got sick with a horrible cold, then my husband left for a week long business trip, and then preperations for my daughter's first, real birthday party consumed me.  But I made it through sober, that's the main thing!  And I learned a lesson along the way...

I overdid it a bit with the birthday party.  I don't know if it was my perfectionism or some other questionable motives that were driving me, but I had quite a to-do list, and it took center stage.  I could feel parts of my program slipping away as my priorities got out of order, but I kept charging forward anyway.  The good news is I knew what was going on as it happened, and did re-adjust a bit midway to make up for it.  I was still keeping up my spiritual program, going to meetings, and maintaining all of my other weekly activities, but I knew my focus was off.  My husband commented on it, and I received reminders at meetings about "HALT" (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) but I kept on anyway.

And it all worked out fine.  I stayed sober, it all got done, and I don't think I turned into a raving dry drunk or anything.  But I find it interesting, because I can see how quickly a good program can slip away.  I think that keeping God first in my life and in each day got me through it, though.  Eventhough I could see what was going on, and I didn't change course, I admitted that to God, and just asked him to get me through it.  And although I was very tired, and a little over-consumed, I don't think I lost a certain amount of serenity that I wouldn't have had a year ago.

The other thing that I learned was regarding my motivations.  Despite all the prep work going on I still managed to finish Tozer's The Pursuit of God (which I highly recommend), and in the chapter titled "Meekness and Rest" Tozer talks about the importance of resting in God, as a way of maintaining your focus on Him.  Remember meekness isn't weakness, but, as Tozer describes it - it is rest.  Release from the burden that mankind carries.  It is what comes to us when we cease to do.

As an alcoholic I know well that I tend to rely on my own self abilities too much.  My own will power, my self confidence, etc.  And it is all those things which didn't work for me when trying to get sober, and it is all those things which try to creep in and take over for God.  I constantly have to watch and make sure that I'm not being self-led.  That self-leading frequently puts me ahead of today, and focuses me on a project or task or something in the future.  A friend at the meeting on Friday described this as putting our "selves" back into control, because by focusing on that goal we feel in control again.  But of course we're not.

Tozer goes on to describe that there are three enemies to rest and meekness.  And those enemies are also what make up the burden we carry.  The first is pride, the second is pretense, and the third is artificiality.  I knew as I was being driven by this to-do list for the party that I was probably laboring under the wrong motivations.  I mean, yes, I want my daughter to have a wonderful party, and beautiful memories, and those are worthy motivations; but I also suspected that some other, less healthy motivations had managed to twist the healthy ones into something of their own.  And when I read about pride, pretense and artificilaity it struck home a bit.  There was definitely a drive to give her the BEST party, make big impressions on people and come off looking like the perfect little housewife.  And how interesting... no rest and no meekness as a result!  Just like Tozer said.

Well, the party is over now, and I will not likely do anything like that again (as far as parties go anyway - I'm sure I will operate under the influence of questionable motives again, and have to check myself...) but it was interesting, because although I thoroughly enjoyed the party, and was quite happy for my daughter, and we have some beautiful memories; I also noticed that I was a bit embarrassed over just how much I did.  Somehow realizing my motivations kind of ruined it for me!  Realizing that I was partially motivated by my pride and impressing people took away the payoff!  If anything it made me feel guilty about it!

So, lesson learned.  Next time I just need to remember that A.) It will all get done, and if it doesn't - it'll be OK. and B.) I need to look carefully at my motivations when my to-do list gets a little crazy!

On another note - I got my 90 day chip while I was out!  No more chips till 6 months now!