A devotional that I just received and started reading today asked "Under what circumstances do you find it difficult to believe that God is in control and knows what He is doing?"
1. When I am overly busy, and too focused on getting my to-do list done.
2. When I am angry, fearful or tired.
3. When my motives are out of line.
4. When I'm not focusing on today, and either getting caught up in tomorrow or yesterday.
It also asked "Under what circumstances is believing easier for you?"
1. When I am taking time to do my daily prayer, meditation and reflection.
2. When I am maintaining balance.
3. When I am "right" with God.
4. When it applies to someone else!
Showing posts with label Just for Today. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just for Today. Show all posts
Friday, August 13, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I'm Back...
So right after posting that I was going to be posting more... I stopped posting. Oops. Well, a series of events led up to that. First I got sick with a horrible cold, then my husband left for a week long business trip, and then preperations for my daughter's first, real birthday party consumed me. But I made it through sober, that's the main thing! And I learned a lesson along the way...
I overdid it a bit with the birthday party. I don't know if it was my perfectionism or some other questionable motives that were driving me, but I had quite a to-do list, and it took center stage. I could feel parts of my program slipping away as my priorities got out of order, but I kept charging forward anyway. The good news is I knew what was going on as it happened, and did re-adjust a bit midway to make up for it. I was still keeping up my spiritual program, going to meetings, and maintaining all of my other weekly activities, but I knew my focus was off. My husband commented on it, and I received reminders at meetings about "HALT" (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) but I kept on anyway.
And it all worked out fine. I stayed sober, it all got done, and I don't think I turned into a raving dry drunk or anything. But I find it interesting, because I can see how quickly a good program can slip away. I think that keeping God first in my life and in each day got me through it, though. Eventhough I could see what was going on, and I didn't change course, I admitted that to God, and just asked him to get me through it. And although I was very tired, and a little over-consumed, I don't think I lost a certain amount of serenity that I wouldn't have had a year ago.
The other thing that I learned was regarding my motivations. Despite all the prep work going on I still managed to finish Tozer's The Pursuit of God (which I highly recommend), and in the chapter titled "Meekness and Rest" Tozer talks about the importance of resting in God, as a way of maintaining your focus on Him. Remember meekness isn't weakness, but, as Tozer describes it - it is rest. Release from the burden that mankind carries. It is what comes to us when we cease to do.
As an alcoholic I know well that I tend to rely on my own self abilities too much. My own will power, my self confidence, etc. And it is all those things which didn't work for me when trying to get sober, and it is all those things which try to creep in and take over for God. I constantly have to watch and make sure that I'm not being self-led. That self-leading frequently puts me ahead of today, and focuses me on a project or task or something in the future. A friend at the meeting on Friday described this as putting our "selves" back into control, because by focusing on that goal we feel in control again. But of course we're not.
Tozer goes on to describe that there are three enemies to rest and meekness. And those enemies are also what make up the burden we carry. The first is pride, the second is pretense, and the third is artificiality. I knew as I was being driven by this to-do list for the party that I was probably laboring under the wrong motivations. I mean, yes, I want my daughter to have a wonderful party, and beautiful memories, and those are worthy motivations; but I also suspected that some other, less healthy motivations had managed to twist the healthy ones into something of their own. And when I read about pride, pretense and artificilaity it struck home a bit. There was definitely a drive to give her the BEST party, make big impressions on people and come off looking like the perfect little housewife. And how interesting... no rest and no meekness as a result! Just like Tozer said.
Well, the party is over now, and I will not likely do anything like that again (as far as parties go anyway - I'm sure I will operate under the influence of questionable motives again, and have to check myself...) but it was interesting, because although I thoroughly enjoyed the party, and was quite happy for my daughter, and we have some beautiful memories; I also noticed that I was a bit embarrassed over just how much I did. Somehow realizing my motivations kind of ruined it for me! Realizing that I was partially motivated by my pride and impressing people took away the payoff! If anything it made me feel guilty about it!
So, lesson learned. Next time I just need to remember that A.) It will all get done, and if it doesn't - it'll be OK. and B.) I need to look carefully at my motivations when my to-do list gets a little crazy!
On another note - I got my 90 day chip while I was out! No more chips till 6 months now!
I overdid it a bit with the birthday party. I don't know if it was my perfectionism or some other questionable motives that were driving me, but I had quite a to-do list, and it took center stage. I could feel parts of my program slipping away as my priorities got out of order, but I kept charging forward anyway. The good news is I knew what was going on as it happened, and did re-adjust a bit midway to make up for it. I was still keeping up my spiritual program, going to meetings, and maintaining all of my other weekly activities, but I knew my focus was off. My husband commented on it, and I received reminders at meetings about "HALT" (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) but I kept on anyway.
And it all worked out fine. I stayed sober, it all got done, and I don't think I turned into a raving dry drunk or anything. But I find it interesting, because I can see how quickly a good program can slip away. I think that keeping God first in my life and in each day got me through it, though. Eventhough I could see what was going on, and I didn't change course, I admitted that to God, and just asked him to get me through it. And although I was very tired, and a little over-consumed, I don't think I lost a certain amount of serenity that I wouldn't have had a year ago.
The other thing that I learned was regarding my motivations. Despite all the prep work going on I still managed to finish Tozer's The Pursuit of God (which I highly recommend), and in the chapter titled "Meekness and Rest" Tozer talks about the importance of resting in God, as a way of maintaining your focus on Him. Remember meekness isn't weakness, but, as Tozer describes it - it is rest. Release from the burden that mankind carries. It is what comes to us when we cease to do.
As an alcoholic I know well that I tend to rely on my own self abilities too much. My own will power, my self confidence, etc. And it is all those things which didn't work for me when trying to get sober, and it is all those things which try to creep in and take over for God. I constantly have to watch and make sure that I'm not being self-led. That self-leading frequently puts me ahead of today, and focuses me on a project or task or something in the future. A friend at the meeting on Friday described this as putting our "selves" back into control, because by focusing on that goal we feel in control again. But of course we're not.
Tozer goes on to describe that there are three enemies to rest and meekness. And those enemies are also what make up the burden we carry. The first is pride, the second is pretense, and the third is artificiality. I knew as I was being driven by this to-do list for the party that I was probably laboring under the wrong motivations. I mean, yes, I want my daughter to have a wonderful party, and beautiful memories, and those are worthy motivations; but I also suspected that some other, less healthy motivations had managed to twist the healthy ones into something of their own. And when I read about pride, pretense and artificilaity it struck home a bit. There was definitely a drive to give her the BEST party, make big impressions on people and come off looking like the perfect little housewife. And how interesting... no rest and no meekness as a result! Just like Tozer said.
Well, the party is over now, and I will not likely do anything like that again (as far as parties go anyway - I'm sure I will operate under the influence of questionable motives again, and have to check myself...) but it was interesting, because although I thoroughly enjoyed the party, and was quite happy for my daughter, and we have some beautiful memories; I also noticed that I was a bit embarrassed over just how much I did. Somehow realizing my motivations kind of ruined it for me! Realizing that I was partially motivated by my pride and impressing people took away the payoff! If anything it made me feel guilty about it!
So, lesson learned. Next time I just need to remember that A.) It will all get done, and if it doesn't - it'll be OK. and B.) I need to look carefully at my motivations when my to-do list gets a little crazy!
On another note - I got my 90 day chip while I was out! No more chips till 6 months now!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
From 24 Hours a Day...
Disillusionment and doubt spoil life. The doubting ones are the disillusioned ones. When you are in doubt, you are on the fence. You are not going anywhere. Doubt poisons all action. "Well, I don't know" - so you don't do anything. You should meet life with a "Yes," an affirmative attitude. There is good in the world and we can follow that good. There is power available to help us to do the right thing; therefore we will accept that power. There are miracles of change in people's lives; therefore we will accept those miracles as evidence of God's power.
Prayer for the Day:
I pray that I will not be paralyzed by doubt. I pray that I may go along on the venture of faith.
Twenty-Four Hours a Day - Hazelden Meditations, 1954
For me today this says something about what I need to do to get a sponsor - stop doubting and take action despite it. Have faith about it, and stop waiting to see...
Prayer for the Day:
I pray that I will not be paralyzed by doubt. I pray that I may go along on the venture of faith.
Twenty-Four Hours a Day - Hazelden Meditations, 1954
For me today this says something about what I need to do to get a sponsor - stop doubting and take action despite it. Have faith about it, and stop waiting to see...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
From 24 Hours a Day...
Thought of the Day for June 29th-
"The program... involves a continuous striving for improvement. There can be no long resting period. We must try to work at it all the time. We must continually keep in mind that it is a program not to be measured in years, because we never fully reach our goals nor are we ever cured. Our alcoholism is only kept in abeyance by daily living of the program. It is a timeless program in every sense. We live it day by day, or more precisely, moment by moment - now."
Twenty Four Hours A Day, Hazelden Meditations, Reprint Edition 1992
"The program... involves a continuous striving for improvement. There can be no long resting period. We must try to work at it all the time. We must continually keep in mind that it is a program not to be measured in years, because we never fully reach our goals nor are we ever cured. Our alcoholism is only kept in abeyance by daily living of the program. It is a timeless program in every sense. We live it day by day, or more precisely, moment by moment - now."
Twenty Four Hours A Day, Hazelden Meditations, Reprint Edition 1992
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Freedom
When I met up with friends at my last meeting in the states I got to see a guy named Ron, that I hadn't seen for a few weeks - since he had hung his cup at Valley Hope. He was asking me how it felt to be "out," and I told him that it felt very weird, because I was actually free.
Being at Valley Hope, our time was very structured, which was good, because it kept us busy (except on the weekends!) and it kept our days in order. Wake up early, breakfast, chapel, communications, lecture 1, women's group, lecture 2, small group, sometimes an appointment with our chaplain or counselor, and then a "hot seat" at 4 before dinner at 5. Then usually we had an AA or NA meeting after dinner. And of course going anywhere required that you sign out so that they knew where you were at all times.
So when I left - without signing out, and got in the car and was able to just decide on a whim what to do or where to go, whenever I pleased, it was almost like getting out of jail. You always here how inmates struggle when they get out of jail, because they no longer have the structure that jail provides... I could relate - and I was only there a month (and it wasn't jail! I wanted to be there!)
And so yes, I felt free. Free to go where I wanted and free to do as I pleased. And I realized that not only was I free to do all that.... I was free from alcohol.
Before I checked in to Valley Hope, I was free to come and go as I chose, but alcohol was making most of my decisions for me. It dictated the schedule of my day, it whispered in my ear when I made decisions about social engagements and even where to go on vacation. I was nowhere near free, and never free enough to NOT drink.
So driving down the road as we left Valley Hope I realized that for the first time in years and years I was actually free, and it was actually pretty uncomfortable! It has been so long since I was truly free that I felt a little lost, a little naked. After years of having alcohol tell me what to do and when to do it, it was a little disconcerting having to figure that all on my own. Add in the fact that I now need to do all this AND stay sober, and it was a bit scary. A healthy, welcome scary - but scary just the same.
At meetings you hear people talk about how happy they are that they now have the choice not to drink. Always strikes me as funny, that an alcoholic, who has to make sure that they do not take that first drink, feels that they actually have the choice, now that they are sober. Kind of ironic, because there's only one right choice if we want to stay sober. But now I see that, it was before, when I was drinking, that I truly had no choice. Alcohol was making all of my choices for me. I never had the choice whether or not to drink, because I was completely under its control. Today I have that choice, I just choose not to drink, because I know that one is too many and a thousand aren't enough.
Being at Valley Hope, our time was very structured, which was good, because it kept us busy (except on the weekends!) and it kept our days in order. Wake up early, breakfast, chapel, communications, lecture 1, women's group, lecture 2, small group, sometimes an appointment with our chaplain or counselor, and then a "hot seat" at 4 before dinner at 5. Then usually we had an AA or NA meeting after dinner. And of course going anywhere required that you sign out so that they knew where you were at all times.
So when I left - without signing out, and got in the car and was able to just decide on a whim what to do or where to go, whenever I pleased, it was almost like getting out of jail. You always here how inmates struggle when they get out of jail, because they no longer have the structure that jail provides... I could relate - and I was only there a month (and it wasn't jail! I wanted to be there!)
And so yes, I felt free. Free to go where I wanted and free to do as I pleased. And I realized that not only was I free to do all that.... I was free from alcohol.
Before I checked in to Valley Hope, I was free to come and go as I chose, but alcohol was making most of my decisions for me. It dictated the schedule of my day, it whispered in my ear when I made decisions about social engagements and even where to go on vacation. I was nowhere near free, and never free enough to NOT drink.
So driving down the road as we left Valley Hope I realized that for the first time in years and years I was actually free, and it was actually pretty uncomfortable! It has been so long since I was truly free that I felt a little lost, a little naked. After years of having alcohol tell me what to do and when to do it, it was a little disconcerting having to figure that all on my own. Add in the fact that I now need to do all this AND stay sober, and it was a bit scary. A healthy, welcome scary - but scary just the same.
At meetings you hear people talk about how happy they are that they now have the choice not to drink. Always strikes me as funny, that an alcoholic, who has to make sure that they do not take that first drink, feels that they actually have the choice, now that they are sober. Kind of ironic, because there's only one right choice if we want to stay sober. But now I see that, it was before, when I was drinking, that I truly had no choice. Alcohol was making all of my choices for me. I never had the choice whether or not to drink, because I was completely under its control. Today I have that choice, I just choose not to drink, because I know that one is too many and a thousand aren't enough.
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