Freedom

When I met up with friends at my last meeting in the states I got to see a guy named Ron, that I hadn't seen for a few weeks - since he had hung his cup at Valley Hope.  He was asking me how it felt to be "out," and I told him that it felt very weird, because I was actually free. 

Being at Valley Hope, our time was very structured, which was good, because it kept us busy (except on the weekends!) and it kept our days in order.  Wake up early, breakfast, chapel, communications, lecture 1, women's group, lecture 2, small group, sometimes an appointment with our chaplain or counselor, and then a "hot seat" at 4 before dinner at 5.  Then usually we had an AA or NA meeting after dinner.  And of course going anywhere required that you sign out so that they knew where you were at all times.

So when I left - without signing out, and got in the car and was able to just decide on a whim what to do or where to go, whenever I pleased, it was almost like getting out of jail.  You always here how inmates struggle when they get out of jail, because they no longer have the structure that jail provides... I could relate - and I was only there a month (and it wasn't jail! I wanted to be there!)

And so yes, I felt free.  Free to go where I wanted and free to do as I pleased.  And I realized that not only was I free to do all that.... I was free from alcohol. 

Before I checked in to Valley Hope, I was free to come and go as I chose, but alcohol was making most of my decisions for me.  It dictated the schedule of my day, it whispered in my ear when I made decisions about social engagements and even where to go on vacation.  I was nowhere near free, and never free enough to NOT drink.

So driving down the road as we left Valley Hope I realized that for the first time in years and years I was actually free, and it was actually pretty uncomfortable!  It has been so long since I was truly free that I felt a little lost, a little naked.  After years of having alcohol tell me what to do and when to do it, it was a little disconcerting having to figure that all on my own.  Add in the fact that I now need to do all this AND stay sober, and it was a bit scary.  A healthy, welcome scary - but scary just the same.

At meetings you hear people talk about how happy they are that they now have the choice not to drink.  Always strikes me as funny, that an alcoholic, who has to make sure that they do not take that first drink, feels that they actually have the choice, now that they are sober.  Kind of ironic, because there's only one right choice if we want to stay sober.  But now I see that, it was before, when I was drinking, that I truly had no choice.  Alcohol was making all of my choices for me.  I never had the choice whether or not to drink, because I was completely under its control.  Today I have that choice, I just choose not to drink, because I know that one is too many and a thousand aren't enough.