UN-Serenity

Last night at the meeting our topic was "Just for one day" and doing "The next right thing."  I shared with the group that on Thursday, for some unknown reason, I kept getting the urge to drink.  It still wasn't what I would call a craving - I wasn't obsessing and fixating on it, but for some reason the thought kept crossing my mind.  Doing "the next right thing" worked for me, but it was a little unsettling to not be able to figure out why I was struggling. (And when I say struggling, please don't be alarmed - I wasn't STRUGGLING, I just wasn't serene, and couldn't figure out why.)  Who knows, I shared, maybe it was because it was Thursday, and almost the weekend, but not quite; or maybe I was struggling because my daughter wasn't having a great day - and I wasn't in the best frame of mind to deal with it.  Who knows.

I also shared that it was very interesting, because when my husband got home, he asked me how I was doing.  I gave him the standard "fine" (which one of my counselors told us stands for "Frazzled, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.)  But then I thought better of it, and went into the kitchen and asked him how he was doing.  And it was really good.  We had a very open and honest conversation about how we were feeling.  And we both listened. Turns out that he had been doing pretty well with trusting me, but for some reason on Thursday, he too struggled a bit.  So the day that drinking kept crossing my mind, he felt sure that he was going to come home to a drunk or hungover wife.  Pretty interesting that would happen on the same day I was kept having the urge!  But the discussion itself made me feel much better, and helped me get over the day.  So doing the next right thing had payed off, in a way I never expected.

The group was very helpful in their feedback.  They shared that it is important, on such days, to remember that why it is happening isn't as important as getting through it, and remembering that all time passes.  They shared that when they focused on remembering to look at the next 24 hours or the rest of the day as the only goal, that the next day was almost, always better.  They shared that when they looked at their early sobriety, they realized that it was on such days that the urge to drink was telling them that they needed to "escape."  They deserved to be "on another planet."  And that struck home.  It wasn't just the urge to drink for the sake of feeling "full" I was dealing with.  It was the urge to escape or "reward" myself.

They continued to share, and talked about the importance of service, and one of the members mentioned someone who said that the 2 pillars of ego are entitlement and control; and that usually, when he's having a day like that, he realizes it is one of those two issues that is causing the problem.  And I realized that is exactly what happened on Thursday.

Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty busy days for me.  I had ladies groups both days, my daughter had school one day, and I was back in the swing of running around and keeping schedules.  The anxiety of which, being a trigger for me in the past.  I managed Tuesday and Wednesday well, and shared with my online counselor that I had worked hard to maintain balance so that I didn't feel overwhelmed or frazzled, so I thought I had done all right. 

What I didn't realize, was that both days were beautiful days weather wise, and what I really wanted was some time to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine.  So when Thursday came along, I just wanted to sit around outside and read.  And when my daughter had her own agenda, and was being difficult about everything, it was ruining my own selfish interests.  I felt entitled to a day in the sun, afterall!  I had just spent the previous two days running around fulfilling "duties!"  (Not that ladies groups are duties - they just felt that way this week when what I really wanted was something else!)  The urges to drink were in response to my selfishness, and not being able to do what I wanted, the way I wanted to, and when.  I was feeling the need to "escape" from my daughter and reward myself.  I was finding it difficult to deal with life on life's terms, and not resort to drinking or controlling the situation and my daughter in a similar fashion.

So in the end, the meeting helped me figure out what I couldn't figure out for myself.  The character defect causing the "UN-serenity" was selfishness.  So for now, I will continue to pray that God remove this character defect (although I realize this one might take him a while!) and that I remember that taking care of my daughter and attending to her, even when she's less than perfect, is just about the most important service role I will ever have.  I will try to remember that the "itch" is often a result of my inability to deal with life in general, and remember that I am just a baby when it comes to coping with life without alcohol.  Each day will not be perfect and serene, and it is these days that doing the "next right thing" will teach me more about how it is that "normal" people deal with everyday life.