Happy Birthday to Me!
Happy Birthday to Me!
Happy Biiiiiiiiirthdaaaaaaay, dear meeeeeeeeeeee.
Happy Birthday to me!
And many moooooooooore!
I will get my chip Friday! Hooray!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
From 24 Hours a Day...
Thought of the Day for June 29th-
"The program... involves a continuous striving for improvement. There can be no long resting period. We must try to work at it all the time. We must continually keep in mind that it is a program not to be measured in years, because we never fully reach our goals nor are we ever cured. Our alcoholism is only kept in abeyance by daily living of the program. It is a timeless program in every sense. We live it day by day, or more precisely, moment by moment - now."
Twenty Four Hours A Day, Hazelden Meditations, Reprint Edition 1992
"The program... involves a continuous striving for improvement. There can be no long resting period. We must try to work at it all the time. We must continually keep in mind that it is a program not to be measured in years, because we never fully reach our goals nor are we ever cured. Our alcoholism is only kept in abeyance by daily living of the program. It is a timeless program in every sense. We live it day by day, or more precisely, moment by moment - now."
Twenty Four Hours A Day, Hazelden Meditations, Reprint Edition 1992
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday Gratitude Roll Call...
5 things I am grateful for today...
1. discussions about where corn comes from
2. potty training
3. washing machines
4. soccer games
5. beautiful warm weather
As always, click the Comments link below the post if you'd like to share!
1. discussions about where corn comes from
2. potty training
3. washing machines
4. soccer games
5. beautiful warm weather
As always, click the Comments link below the post if you'd like to share!
To alcohol...
To alcohol, thief of the most precious,
You stole from me, or perhaps I gave willingly. But the truth is, you wrapped it all up in an irresistable bow in order to get it. You stole precious moments between me and my daughter. Moments I will never get back. Opportunities long gone.
You stole them by making me drunk. You stole them by leaving me passed out. And you stole them by feeding my selfishness and by absorbing my focus.
She sought my attention. I ignored her. She woke up from a nap and walked around wondering why Mommy was still asleep. I lost my temper. I lost my patience. I didn't have to.
These were two precious years. The years that she is first learning her way in the world. The years that she is first learning what it means to feel loved. The years when she is first learning who Mommy is. These were the years of first steps and first words. Patty cake and itsy-bitsy spider. Pig tails and bloomers. Pink cheeks and delighted wonder.
Now she is learning to use the potty. She is talking in chains of sentences. She is exploring the world in fearless abandon, and asking "why" about everything she sees. And before I know it, she will be doing her first dance recital, getting her first girl scout badge, going to her first dance and flying away from me here to find her way in the world.
She is beautiful. And I may have lost that precious time. But I will not let you steal any more of it. It is like piles of gold to me. And I see now all the lies that you told me. All the lies you got me to tell myself. I see them for what they are now, and recognize what I have lost. From here on out I will be valuing every moment I have with her. I will not be listening to you. You will not steal her from me, for I know that is your goal. I still have a lifetime of precious moments with her. I still have an opportunity to build a loving relationship with her that we can both cherish. I will pour myself into being healthy for her, and being a good mother to her. I will focus on our future together and all of the blessings in store for us.
stay away,
L.'s mother
You stole from me, or perhaps I gave willingly. But the truth is, you wrapped it all up in an irresistable bow in order to get it. You stole precious moments between me and my daughter. Moments I will never get back. Opportunities long gone.
You stole them by making me drunk. You stole them by leaving me passed out. And you stole them by feeding my selfishness and by absorbing my focus.
She sought my attention. I ignored her. She woke up from a nap and walked around wondering why Mommy was still asleep. I lost my temper. I lost my patience. I didn't have to.
These were two precious years. The years that she is first learning her way in the world. The years that she is first learning what it means to feel loved. The years when she is first learning who Mommy is. These were the years of first steps and first words. Patty cake and itsy-bitsy spider. Pig tails and bloomers. Pink cheeks and delighted wonder.
Now she is learning to use the potty. She is talking in chains of sentences. She is exploring the world in fearless abandon, and asking "why" about everything she sees. And before I know it, she will be doing her first dance recital, getting her first girl scout badge, going to her first dance and flying away from me here to find her way in the world.
She is beautiful. And I may have lost that precious time. But I will not let you steal any more of it. It is like piles of gold to me. And I see now all the lies that you told me. All the lies you got me to tell myself. I see them for what they are now, and recognize what I have lost. From here on out I will be valuing every moment I have with her. I will not be listening to you. You will not steal her from me, for I know that is your goal. I still have a lifetime of precious moments with her. I still have an opportunity to build a loving relationship with her that we can both cherish. I will pour myself into being healthy for her, and being a good mother to her. I will focus on our future together and all of the blessings in store for us.
stay away,
L.'s mother
Thursday, June 24, 2010
On Steps 1, 2 & 3
The biggest effect that alcohol had on my self-esteem was that it made me feel badly about myself because I couldn't manage to control my drinking on my own. I felt certain that if I wanted a good life badly enough, that I would be able to control it on my own. I thought that I simply had to choose "not to drink," but that never seemed to work, I kept drinking anyway. That in turn, made me feel like I was no good, and didn't want it badly enough. While it's true that it is my choice whether or not to drink, I didn't realize that I needed help, and that it wasn't quite as simple as sheer will-power. The constant guilt and inner dialogue and turmoil left me feeling like I was no good, and I was the problem.
It robbed my husband of the ability to trust me. It made me angry and resentful towards him. Because he didn't treat me as I should be treated. He didn't know how to handle the situation, and therefore did treat me unfairly at times, but that wasn't his fault, it was mine. No body taught him in school how to handle and alcoholic wife. It took treatment for me to be able to see that. When I started recovery I still felt very much like he was responsible for some of my problem. It also robbed me of some very special time with my daughter as a young child. Although I was always there, and although I was a "responsible, functioning" drunk, the disease was ruling my life, and my natural desires weren't. There was plenty of time wasted managing my disease, and hiding it. The effects that drinking had on me changed my nature and removed valuable patience I needed and replaced it with selfishness and self absorption. That doesn't make for a great mother.
Spiritually drinking left me stranded. I still had "faith" but faith alone gets you no where. I never stopped praying that God would intervene and help, but whenever He tried, I turned around and marched the wrong way. I was left empty and feeling very alone. I knew that God could help, but I couldn't figure out how. I still kept trying to do it myself, not realizing the importance of surrender. I didn't realize the arrogance in that, and I didn't realize that left me wandering in the dark, left with nothing but my own inability.
My higher power is an awesome one. He is everything. He is the beginning and the end. He is the origin of everything and its conclusion. He is everything I can't even fathom. He is love. He loves each one of us more than we could love any other person, even our own children. He made love, he is the source of it, and He gives it freely. He is all-knowing. He knew me before I was born, even the number of hairs on my head. He knows my thoughts before I do. He is all-powerful. No tragedy is to diffcult for Him, no trouble too great. If you can imagine it, He can fix it. He can fix it even if you can't imagine it. He is all-mighty. There is no person, no force, no situation which He can not triumph over. Every bad force or thing you could imagine in this world shakes in its boots at the thought of Him. Everything evil in this universe even acknowledges Him as God. He is merciful. He forgives us. And He is our salvation. He sacrificed His own son for each and every one of us. And it is through Him that we all have the opportunity for redemption. Eventhough 150,000,000,000 of us have probably walked this earth, He cares so deeply for each one of us that He is always there, always willing and always capable. He knows every detail of our lives and every thought we have from the moment we are born until the moment we die. He wants the best for us in our lives and has a plan for us. Even little, old, inconsequential me. We just have to turn to Him and ask.
And for me, turning to Him and asking means getting up every morning, and telling Him that I surrender to His plan for me. It's as simple as that. Yes there are alot of other details, but the only one essential is that I must want Him in my life, and give myself to Him completely each and every day. I must be hungry for Him. I must know that He is the way, the truth and the life. That there is no way to happiness but through Him. And you know, the line about "not forgetting our past nor wishing to shut the door on it" is very true for me in the sense that it was alcoholism that led me to this realization. I "knew" it, but I didn't know it. It was my inability to stop drinking, by relying on my own will-power alone, that led me to "give up." Giving up doesn't have to mean succumbing. It doesn't have to mean giving in. It just means that we have to stop trying to do it alone. Admit defeat. That we need help. It is true that "the poor in spirit" and "those who mourn" are blessed. For without being poor in spirit or ever mourning we would never know how much we need God. If everything was just perfect all the time, what would we need God for? Why would we ever come to know Him better?
Now that doesn't mean that, now that I have figured this out, that I will lead a perfect life. It doesn't mean that there won't be times where I have a bad day. It doesn't mean that I won't make mistakes, or get frustrated or start getting tired of "the program." It doesn't mean that I won't fall into routine and away from what is best for me. But as long as I keep asking him to come into my life; as long as I keep remembering to act myself into new ways of thinking and do the "next right thing" I shouldn't ever stray too far. WHo knew that it took "giving up" to win? Rather ironic, no?
It robbed my husband of the ability to trust me. It made me angry and resentful towards him. Because he didn't treat me as I should be treated. He didn't know how to handle the situation, and therefore did treat me unfairly at times, but that wasn't his fault, it was mine. No body taught him in school how to handle and alcoholic wife. It took treatment for me to be able to see that. When I started recovery I still felt very much like he was responsible for some of my problem. It also robbed me of some very special time with my daughter as a young child. Although I was always there, and although I was a "responsible, functioning" drunk, the disease was ruling my life, and my natural desires weren't. There was plenty of time wasted managing my disease, and hiding it. The effects that drinking had on me changed my nature and removed valuable patience I needed and replaced it with selfishness and self absorption. That doesn't make for a great mother.
Spiritually drinking left me stranded. I still had "faith" but faith alone gets you no where. I never stopped praying that God would intervene and help, but whenever He tried, I turned around and marched the wrong way. I was left empty and feeling very alone. I knew that God could help, but I couldn't figure out how. I still kept trying to do it myself, not realizing the importance of surrender. I didn't realize the arrogance in that, and I didn't realize that left me wandering in the dark, left with nothing but my own inability.
My higher power is an awesome one. He is everything. He is the beginning and the end. He is the origin of everything and its conclusion. He is everything I can't even fathom. He is love. He loves each one of us more than we could love any other person, even our own children. He made love, he is the source of it, and He gives it freely. He is all-knowing. He knew me before I was born, even the number of hairs on my head. He knows my thoughts before I do. He is all-powerful. No tragedy is to diffcult for Him, no trouble too great. If you can imagine it, He can fix it. He can fix it even if you can't imagine it. He is all-mighty. There is no person, no force, no situation which He can not triumph over. Every bad force or thing you could imagine in this world shakes in its boots at the thought of Him. Everything evil in this universe even acknowledges Him as God. He is merciful. He forgives us. And He is our salvation. He sacrificed His own son for each and every one of us. And it is through Him that we all have the opportunity for redemption. Eventhough 150,000,000,000 of us have probably walked this earth, He cares so deeply for each one of us that He is always there, always willing and always capable. He knows every detail of our lives and every thought we have from the moment we are born until the moment we die. He wants the best for us in our lives and has a plan for us. Even little, old, inconsequential me. We just have to turn to Him and ask.
And for me, turning to Him and asking means getting up every morning, and telling Him that I surrender to His plan for me. It's as simple as that. Yes there are alot of other details, but the only one essential is that I must want Him in my life, and give myself to Him completely each and every day. I must be hungry for Him. I must know that He is the way, the truth and the life. That there is no way to happiness but through Him. And you know, the line about "not forgetting our past nor wishing to shut the door on it" is very true for me in the sense that it was alcoholism that led me to this realization. I "knew" it, but I didn't know it. It was my inability to stop drinking, by relying on my own will-power alone, that led me to "give up." Giving up doesn't have to mean succumbing. It doesn't have to mean giving in. It just means that we have to stop trying to do it alone. Admit defeat. That we need help. It is true that "the poor in spirit" and "those who mourn" are blessed. For without being poor in spirit or ever mourning we would never know how much we need God. If everything was just perfect all the time, what would we need God for? Why would we ever come to know Him better?
Now that doesn't mean that, now that I have figured this out, that I will lead a perfect life. It doesn't mean that there won't be times where I have a bad day. It doesn't mean that I won't make mistakes, or get frustrated or start getting tired of "the program." It doesn't mean that I won't fall into routine and away from what is best for me. But as long as I keep asking him to come into my life; as long as I keep remembering to act myself into new ways of thinking and do the "next right thing" I shouldn't ever stray too far. WHo knew that it took "giving up" to win? Rather ironic, no?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
To Alcohol...
Hello Alcohol-
Yes, I heard you knocking on the door again this weekend. You thought you were so clever. The things you said, so smooth... "A nice dinner out with your husband just isn't the same without a glass of wine, you can handle it." Whatever, alcohol, whatever. You're not welcome around here anymore.
Did you hear that? I said get out, leave me alone. We don't want you or what you have to offer. Didn't you see the sign on the door? I know it's all LIES now. I know that you want to rob me of everything that is good and precious in this life. You want me dead. You want me miserable until then. You want my husband and my daughter to hate me. You want me to hate myself.
But I see all that now, I see you for what you are, and if there is anything I hate in this world it is you. I've chosen to live. I've chosen a life full of love. I've given it all to God, and he's in charge now. He's already shown me the blessings that lay in store for me. He's got a good plan for me, that leads to happiness, joy and a lifetime of precious memories.
And let me tell you, He is going to kick your butt. You thought you had me figured out. You knew my weaknesses, and were sticking your fingers into those wounds to get me to pick up a bottle and follow your plan. And alone I'm no match for you, I would have been yours. But look out, because my God doesn't lose. And He don't mess around. Consider yourself VANQUISHED. Because that's what de does to my enemies. Do you know what "vanquish" means? Let me help you out...
1 : to overcome in battle : subdue completely
2 : to defeat in a conflict or contest
3 : to gain mastery over
So, in other words. You're toast.
So you can go ahead and keep knocking. I know you will. I know that you'll always be there waiting. Too bad for you.
~me
Yes, I heard you knocking on the door again this weekend. You thought you were so clever. The things you said, so smooth... "A nice dinner out with your husband just isn't the same without a glass of wine, you can handle it." Whatever, alcohol, whatever. You're not welcome around here anymore.
Did you hear that? I said get out, leave me alone. We don't want you or what you have to offer. Didn't you see the sign on the door? I know it's all LIES now. I know that you want to rob me of everything that is good and precious in this life. You want me dead. You want me miserable until then. You want my husband and my daughter to hate me. You want me to hate myself.
But I see all that now, I see you for what you are, and if there is anything I hate in this world it is you. I've chosen to live. I've chosen a life full of love. I've given it all to God, and he's in charge now. He's already shown me the blessings that lay in store for me. He's got a good plan for me, that leads to happiness, joy and a lifetime of precious memories.
And let me tell you, He is going to kick your butt. You thought you had me figured out. You knew my weaknesses, and were sticking your fingers into those wounds to get me to pick up a bottle and follow your plan. And alone I'm no match for you, I would have been yours. But look out, because my God doesn't lose. And He don't mess around. Consider yourself VANQUISHED. Because that's what de does to my enemies. Do you know what "vanquish" means? Let me help you out...
1 : to overcome in battle : subdue completely
2 : to defeat in a conflict or contest
3 : to gain mastery over
So, in other words. You're toast.
So you can go ahead and keep knocking. I know you will. I know that you'll always be there waiting. Too bad for you.
~me
Monday, June 21, 2010
Monday Gratitude Roll Call...
OK - I'm running analytics on this site... I know that there are people reading! SO please leave a comment and share 5 things you are grateful for - it doesn't matter if you are an alcoholic, gratitude is for everybody!
1. Naptime
2. Fairy Princess Dresses
3. Email
4. Forgiveness
5. Fathers
1. Naptime
2. Fairy Princess Dresses
3. Email
4. Forgiveness
5. Fathers
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Meditation for the Day...
The spiritual life has two parts. One is the life apart, the life of prayer and quiet communion with God. You spend this part of your life apart with God. Every day your mind can be set in the right direction so that your thoughts will be of the right kind. The other is the life impart - imparting to others what you have learned from your own meditative experience. The victories you have won over yourself through the help of God can be shared with others. You can help them by imparting to them some of the victory and security that you have gained in your life apart.
Twenty-Four Hours A Day, Hazelden Meditations copyright 1954, entry for June 18th
Twenty-Four Hours A Day, Hazelden Meditations copyright 1954, entry for June 18th
A New Way of Life...
As a part of my recovery, I am making an effort to be a bit more flexible with my schedule, and try and not get so anxious over getting things done. For example, the other day, when I realized that my daughter had fallen asleep in the car, I stopped by the side of the road and picked some wild flowers that I had been admiring each time I drove past.
So today, on my way back from the garden center, I spied this Frau out working in the fields. I went home, dropped off my plants, grabbed my camera and headed back to snap a few shots. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Monday Roll Call! - Gratitude List!
C'mon - leave a comment and share what you are thankful for... (I will try not to be repetitive here...)
1. early morning birdsong
2. online lawnmower owner's manuals
3. friends
4. Clorox wipes
5. little girl kisses
1. early morning birdsong
2. online lawnmower owner's manuals
3. friends
4. Clorox wipes
5. little girl kisses
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Being Meek...
In my reading yesterday I came across the Beatitudes and their relationship to the 12 steps. One of my counselors shared that the Beatitudes are part of the basis for the program, but this is the first time that I've seen them layed out in such a way. I found it in the Celebrate Recover Bible from Rick Warren.
Here's how they go...
Step 1 - "Blessed are the poor in spirit." Matthew 5:3
Step 2 - "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Step 3 - "Blessed are the meek." Matthew 5:5
Steps 4 and 5 - "Blessed are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Steps 6 and 7 - "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness." Matthew 5:6
Steps 8 and 9 - "Blessed are the merciful." Matthew 5:7 and "Blessed are the peacemakers" Matthew 5:9
Step 12 - "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness."
I didn't know that there is a basis for the steps in the beatitudes when I first entered treatment. But I can assure you that I was able to relate to feeling "poor in spirit" in a way I never had before. When I have read the Beatitudes in the past, it was often difficult to relate to these terms because they almost sound like they must represent someone else. Poor people we see on the street, or people who can't stand up for themselves, or just "losers" in general. I have always felt pretty self-sufficient, pretty capable. Not exactly poor or meek.
But it wasn't just the humility of checking into treatment that made me feel poor in spirit. I realized that while I had been drinking I was incredibly poor in spirit. Now that doesn't men that God was going to bless me while I was drinking, but it was the "bottom" that was required to turn back to God. It took hitting that bottom to make me realize that I had strayed so far and needed help. And being poor in spirit is something that God does bless if we turn to Him and just ask. It is something I should actually strive for day by day. For after all, if we are not poor in spirit - what do we need God for?
But "meek?" What's up with that? Typically when we read this we think, "OK, so I'm supposed to go around letting everybody walk all over me, I guess." But a great pastor I had in NYC shared some insight on this once. The Greek word for "meek" is praos, and the original definition of this word was "becoming tamed, as a wild animal is tamed." One of the wildest animals that humans are the most successful in taming is the horse. The strong, beautiful, capable horse. And for thousands of years, when tamed, these beasts provided for our very way of life. They are such amazing, beautiful creatures, yet it takes learning how to take the bit in the mouth, and be led by men, before their calm and gentle nature can be truely appreciated. James 3:3 says "When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal."
So, being meek, actually doesn't necessarily mean that we are weak and tend to let people walk all over us. It means that even though we are beautiful, strong "wild animals," we can be tamed by our obedience to God. That really shed a whole new light on what it meant to be meek. And for once it made sense, being meek isn't weak - it's being obedient and tame.
One of the ways that we must be obedient, is to try and become less selfish and realize that trying to control other people will only lead us to anger and resentment. Someone at the meeting last night shared how it was in his nature to get upset when someone in the family didn't put the dishes away right, or stack the groceries in the cart according to his system of appropriate order. I could certainly relate to that. My poor husband. I can't tell you the number of times I have gotten annoyed with him, because he wasn't doing something the way that I thought it should be done. After all, I always thought, if you are going to do something - you should make the effort to do it right, right? And of course, that always made the problem his. He wasn't doing it right (my right, which of course is - well, right.) :)
Another example of being selfish and ego is the need to always be right. I have spent plenty of time talking or noting or focusing on how other people are wrong. I know my husband feels that I am incapable of admitting that I am wrong. I have always insisted that I do it when I am wrong - it's just that happens so infrequently that it seems like never.
So now that I see these behaviors and can recognize how annoying they must be to live with in a person, I hope to recognize them as they arrive and take another track. When something doesn't get put away the way I would like it done, why not wait until my husband has helped, and then later adjust the organization of those items? Afterall, I'm the one that has to have them just so. And maybe someday I'll decided that it's not worth that effort, but for now, if it's important to me, then what's the harm in doing it myself? When a discussion begins to border on argument - why not just concede the point, regardless of whether I'm actually right or not. Who cares? Is it really worth a bad Saturday afternoon? Who knows, maybe that person is even right? Anything is possible after all. :)
Which brings me back to the Beatitudes. Let's remember that they all begin "Blessed are..." The point is not to list some behaviors that we should all strive for, meekness, purity, righteous, etc. The point is that, when we learn to harness these behaviors and find a place for them in our lives and our spirit, we will be blessed by God. Learning to obey God and submit our lives to His care in "meekness" will open up new possibilities in our lives and enrich them. Being "poor in spirit" and therefore seeking God out to help manage our lives will allow Him to work through us and bless us in ways that we never could have accomplished all on our own.
Here's how they go...
Step 1 - "Blessed are the poor in spirit." Matthew 5:3
Step 2 - "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Step 3 - "Blessed are the meek." Matthew 5:5
Steps 4 and 5 - "Blessed are the pure in heart." Matthew 5:8
Steps 6 and 7 - "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness." Matthew 5:6
Steps 8 and 9 - "Blessed are the merciful." Matthew 5:7 and "Blessed are the peacemakers" Matthew 5:9
Step 12 - "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness."
I didn't know that there is a basis for the steps in the beatitudes when I first entered treatment. But I can assure you that I was able to relate to feeling "poor in spirit" in a way I never had before. When I have read the Beatitudes in the past, it was often difficult to relate to these terms because they almost sound like they must represent someone else. Poor people we see on the street, or people who can't stand up for themselves, or just "losers" in general. I have always felt pretty self-sufficient, pretty capable. Not exactly poor or meek.
But it wasn't just the humility of checking into treatment that made me feel poor in spirit. I realized that while I had been drinking I was incredibly poor in spirit. Now that doesn't men that God was going to bless me while I was drinking, but it was the "bottom" that was required to turn back to God. It took hitting that bottom to make me realize that I had strayed so far and needed help. And being poor in spirit is something that God does bless if we turn to Him and just ask. It is something I should actually strive for day by day. For after all, if we are not poor in spirit - what do we need God for?
But "meek?" What's up with that? Typically when we read this we think, "OK, so I'm supposed to go around letting everybody walk all over me, I guess." But a great pastor I had in NYC shared some insight on this once. The Greek word for "meek" is praos, and the original definition of this word was "becoming tamed, as a wild animal is tamed." One of the wildest animals that humans are the most successful in taming is the horse. The strong, beautiful, capable horse. And for thousands of years, when tamed, these beasts provided for our very way of life. They are such amazing, beautiful creatures, yet it takes learning how to take the bit in the mouth, and be led by men, before their calm and gentle nature can be truely appreciated. James 3:3 says "When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal."
So, being meek, actually doesn't necessarily mean that we are weak and tend to let people walk all over us. It means that even though we are beautiful, strong "wild animals," we can be tamed by our obedience to God. That really shed a whole new light on what it meant to be meek. And for once it made sense, being meek isn't weak - it's being obedient and tame.
One of the ways that we must be obedient, is to try and become less selfish and realize that trying to control other people will only lead us to anger and resentment. Someone at the meeting last night shared how it was in his nature to get upset when someone in the family didn't put the dishes away right, or stack the groceries in the cart according to his system of appropriate order. I could certainly relate to that. My poor husband. I can't tell you the number of times I have gotten annoyed with him, because he wasn't doing something the way that I thought it should be done. After all, I always thought, if you are going to do something - you should make the effort to do it right, right? And of course, that always made the problem his. He wasn't doing it right (my right, which of course is - well, right.) :)
Another example of being selfish and ego is the need to always be right. I have spent plenty of time talking or noting or focusing on how other people are wrong. I know my husband feels that I am incapable of admitting that I am wrong. I have always insisted that I do it when I am wrong - it's just that happens so infrequently that it seems like never.
So now that I see these behaviors and can recognize how annoying they must be to live with in a person, I hope to recognize them as they arrive and take another track. When something doesn't get put away the way I would like it done, why not wait until my husband has helped, and then later adjust the organization of those items? Afterall, I'm the one that has to have them just so. And maybe someday I'll decided that it's not worth that effort, but for now, if it's important to me, then what's the harm in doing it myself? When a discussion begins to border on argument - why not just concede the point, regardless of whether I'm actually right or not. Who cares? Is it really worth a bad Saturday afternoon? Who knows, maybe that person is even right? Anything is possible after all. :)
Which brings me back to the Beatitudes. Let's remember that they all begin "Blessed are..." The point is not to list some behaviors that we should all strive for, meekness, purity, righteous, etc. The point is that, when we learn to harness these behaviors and find a place for them in our lives and our spirit, we will be blessed by God. Learning to obey God and submit our lives to His care in "meekness" will open up new possibilities in our lives and enrich them. Being "poor in spirit" and therefore seeking God out to help manage our lives will allow Him to work through us and bless us in ways that we never could have accomplished all on our own.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Sponsor Search
There were only 3 ladies at teh meeting last night, but I passed the sheet, and all of them were interested, and shared their information. 2 of the 3 are available during the day, and I'm leaning towrds one over the other. But I will wait and see if there are any ladies there on Monday that weren't there tonight - and then I will probably call a couple of them and see if I can't schedule a lunch, so that we can talk, and get to know each other. Thinking that will probably help me figure it out!
One lady lives in west Erlangen, which is very close to me, and she is a native English speaker, so right now she is candidate number one. Which is funny, because she was chairing the first meeting I went to, and she was also the first person who crossed my mind!
One lady lives in west Erlangen, which is very close to me, and she is a native English speaker, so right now she is candidate number one. Which is funny, because she was chairing the first meeting I went to, and she was also the first person who crossed my mind!
UN-Serenity
Last night at the meeting our topic was "Just for one day" and doing "The next right thing." I shared with the group that on Thursday, for some unknown reason, I kept getting the urge to drink. It still wasn't what I would call a craving - I wasn't obsessing and fixating on it, but for some reason the thought kept crossing my mind. Doing "the next right thing" worked for me, but it was a little unsettling to not be able to figure out why I was struggling. (And when I say struggling, please don't be alarmed - I wasn't STRUGGLING, I just wasn't serene, and couldn't figure out why.) Who knows, I shared, maybe it was because it was Thursday, and almost the weekend, but not quite; or maybe I was struggling because my daughter wasn't having a great day - and I wasn't in the best frame of mind to deal with it. Who knows.
I also shared that it was very interesting, because when my husband got home, he asked me how I was doing. I gave him the standard "fine" (which one of my counselors told us stands for "Frazzled, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.) But then I thought better of it, and went into the kitchen and asked him how he was doing. And it was really good. We had a very open and honest conversation about how we were feeling. And we both listened. Turns out that he had been doing pretty well with trusting me, but for some reason on Thursday, he too struggled a bit. So the day that drinking kept crossing my mind, he felt sure that he was going to come home to a drunk or hungover wife. Pretty interesting that would happen on the same day I was kept having the urge! But the discussion itself made me feel much better, and helped me get over the day. So doing the next right thing had payed off, in a way I never expected.
The group was very helpful in their feedback. They shared that it is important, on such days, to remember that why it is happening isn't as important as getting through it, and remembering that all time passes. They shared that when they focused on remembering to look at the next 24 hours or the rest of the day as the only goal, that the next day was almost, always better. They shared that when they looked at their early sobriety, they realized that it was on such days that the urge to drink was telling them that they needed to "escape." They deserved to be "on another planet." And that struck home. It wasn't just the urge to drink for the sake of feeling "full" I was dealing with. It was the urge to escape or "reward" myself.
They continued to share, and talked about the importance of service, and one of the members mentioned someone who said that the 2 pillars of ego are entitlement and control; and that usually, when he's having a day like that, he realizes it is one of those two issues that is causing the problem. And I realized that is exactly what happened on Thursday.
Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty busy days for me. I had ladies groups both days, my daughter had school one day, and I was back in the swing of running around and keeping schedules. The anxiety of which, being a trigger for me in the past. I managed Tuesday and Wednesday well, and shared with my online counselor that I had worked hard to maintain balance so that I didn't feel overwhelmed or frazzled, so I thought I had done all right.
What I didn't realize, was that both days were beautiful days weather wise, and what I really wanted was some time to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine. So when Thursday came along, I just wanted to sit around outside and read. And when my daughter had her own agenda, and was being difficult about everything, it was ruining my own selfish interests. I felt entitled to a day in the sun, afterall! I had just spent the previous two days running around fulfilling "duties!" (Not that ladies groups are duties - they just felt that way this week when what I really wanted was something else!) The urges to drink were in response to my selfishness, and not being able to do what I wanted, the way I wanted to, and when. I was feeling the need to "escape" from my daughter and reward myself. I was finding it difficult to deal with life on life's terms, and not resort to drinking or controlling the situation and my daughter in a similar fashion.
So in the end, the meeting helped me figure out what I couldn't figure out for myself. The character defect causing the "UN-serenity" was selfishness. So for now, I will continue to pray that God remove this character defect (although I realize this one might take him a while!) and that I remember that taking care of my daughter and attending to her, even when she's less than perfect, is just about the most important service role I will ever have. I will try to remember that the "itch" is often a result of my inability to deal with life in general, and remember that I am just a baby when it comes to coping with life without alcohol. Each day will not be perfect and serene, and it is these days that doing the "next right thing" will teach me more about how it is that "normal" people deal with everyday life.
I also shared that it was very interesting, because when my husband got home, he asked me how I was doing. I gave him the standard "fine" (which one of my counselors told us stands for "Frazzled, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.) But then I thought better of it, and went into the kitchen and asked him how he was doing. And it was really good. We had a very open and honest conversation about how we were feeling. And we both listened. Turns out that he had been doing pretty well with trusting me, but for some reason on Thursday, he too struggled a bit. So the day that drinking kept crossing my mind, he felt sure that he was going to come home to a drunk or hungover wife. Pretty interesting that would happen on the same day I was kept having the urge! But the discussion itself made me feel much better, and helped me get over the day. So doing the next right thing had payed off, in a way I never expected.
The group was very helpful in their feedback. They shared that it is important, on such days, to remember that why it is happening isn't as important as getting through it, and remembering that all time passes. They shared that when they focused on remembering to look at the next 24 hours or the rest of the day as the only goal, that the next day was almost, always better. They shared that when they looked at their early sobriety, they realized that it was on such days that the urge to drink was telling them that they needed to "escape." They deserved to be "on another planet." And that struck home. It wasn't just the urge to drink for the sake of feeling "full" I was dealing with. It was the urge to escape or "reward" myself.
They continued to share, and talked about the importance of service, and one of the members mentioned someone who said that the 2 pillars of ego are entitlement and control; and that usually, when he's having a day like that, he realizes it is one of those two issues that is causing the problem. And I realized that is exactly what happened on Thursday.
Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty busy days for me. I had ladies groups both days, my daughter had school one day, and I was back in the swing of running around and keeping schedules. The anxiety of which, being a trigger for me in the past. I managed Tuesday and Wednesday well, and shared with my online counselor that I had worked hard to maintain balance so that I didn't feel overwhelmed or frazzled, so I thought I had done all right.
What I didn't realize, was that both days were beautiful days weather wise, and what I really wanted was some time to sit outside and enjoy the sunshine. So when Thursday came along, I just wanted to sit around outside and read. And when my daughter had her own agenda, and was being difficult about everything, it was ruining my own selfish interests. I felt entitled to a day in the sun, afterall! I had just spent the previous two days running around fulfilling "duties!" (Not that ladies groups are duties - they just felt that way this week when what I really wanted was something else!) The urges to drink were in response to my selfishness, and not being able to do what I wanted, the way I wanted to, and when. I was feeling the need to "escape" from my daughter and reward myself. I was finding it difficult to deal with life on life's terms, and not resort to drinking or controlling the situation and my daughter in a similar fashion.
So in the end, the meeting helped me figure out what I couldn't figure out for myself. The character defect causing the "UN-serenity" was selfishness. So for now, I will continue to pray that God remove this character defect (although I realize this one might take him a while!) and that I remember that taking care of my daughter and attending to her, even when she's less than perfect, is just about the most important service role I will ever have. I will try to remember that the "itch" is often a result of my inability to deal with life in general, and remember that I am just a baby when it comes to coping with life without alcohol. Each day will not be perfect and serene, and it is these days that doing the "next right thing" will teach me more about how it is that "normal" people deal with everyday life.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Roundup in the Alps
We called today to see how much it would cost to attend the Roundup in the Alps with the Franconia Intergroup of AA on July 10th and 11th. It's 36 Euros a night!!! So we are going! (Unless the Netherlands is in the World Cup final...)
Not sure exactly what the schedule is like, but it is mostly speakers through out the day on Saturday. Not sure how much of that we will be able to do with my daughter in tow, but even if we only make a few meetings it will be worth it, considering the price and the location!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
P.S.
Also found out that there is a retreat in the Alps for the English contingent of AA here in Germany, in July. Need to look into it, but my husband and I both thought it might be a fun way to do a weekend getaway. Imagine that... a "Roundup" (yes they call it that, too) in the Alps!
Monday Night Meeting
Went to my first Monday night meeting in Fürth, which is a literature meeting. Felt a little more comfortable than I did on Friday, although it was mostly new faces again. Only one person there had been there on Friday, but it was a slightly smaller group, so a bit easier to feel comfortable. After reading about half a chapter from the Big Book, they opened it up for discussion, related to the reading or not, and another newcomer introduced himself and mentioned that he had just gotten out of treatment, and shared a bit of his story. So I introduced myself again, and shared a bit of mine, and then a couple of the old-timers did as well.
One of these guys was P., who is the contact my husband was given when he contacted AA, and traded emails with. He gave us the times of the meetings in the email, but did not get back to us with a temporary sponsor. One of the memebers again stressed the importance of getting a sponsor, and so I mentioned to P. that I thought I would pass around a list at the Friday meeting to see if anyone was interested. He seemed to think that was a good idea - but another recovering friend of mine cautioned me today about being too hasty, too. So i'm thinking that when I pass the list that I make it clear that I am looking for a temporary sponsor - and then start from there. That way I would have someone to at least get familiar with, and have a person to call, without being nervous that I might have committed to some whacko. I do have a list of contacts from teh group, so I could call any of them if I really needed to, but somehow I don't see myself doing that. I have a tendency to rely on myself, so I'm feeling liek I need to get this type of relationship started, and teh sooner the better. It's easy for me to isolate, especially living in this little village, and being home all day.
The other newcomer was in the military, and shared that there is a good meeting on Thursday nights in Ansbach as well. He wasn't sure what time the meeting was, so I'm hoping to hear that it might be doable, as well. Ansbach is an hour away, so it would certainly be harder to schedule, but since it is on a military base, the native English speaker membership might make it worthwhile. I hoped I could get 3 meetings in a week, without having to go to a German one, so hopefully that works out. I'm also thinking that since one of teh routes there is almost all autobahn, I might be able to cut it down to 45 minutes if I really take advantage of the fact that there are no speed limits here!
I also went to my first lady's bible study (which I participated in before treatment, it's with our local church and is full of wonderful ladies, but none of them is recovering.) They knew that I would be in the US for treatment, but I never let them know what it was for. So when prayer requests came up today, I mentioned that I could use help in finding a sponsor. That met with some quizical looks, so I went on to explain that it was for AA, and what sponsorship means, and why it is important. So, they know now! I mean I didn't come out and say I'm an alcoholic, but they all know what AA is, so now they know. I wanted to make sure and tell them, but I wasn't sure how it would come up. It's the first time I've really shared it with anyone outside of treatment or my immediate circle, so it was kind of a milestone, and an important one for me as far as humility and honesty are concerned. Of course they were very understanding and supportive, which I expected, but it was still a significant first!
One of these guys was P., who is the contact my husband was given when he contacted AA, and traded emails with. He gave us the times of the meetings in the email, but did not get back to us with a temporary sponsor. One of the memebers again stressed the importance of getting a sponsor, and so I mentioned to P. that I thought I would pass around a list at the Friday meeting to see if anyone was interested. He seemed to think that was a good idea - but another recovering friend of mine cautioned me today about being too hasty, too. So i'm thinking that when I pass the list that I make it clear that I am looking for a temporary sponsor - and then start from there. That way I would have someone to at least get familiar with, and have a person to call, without being nervous that I might have committed to some whacko. I do have a list of contacts from teh group, so I could call any of them if I really needed to, but somehow I don't see myself doing that. I have a tendency to rely on myself, so I'm feeling liek I need to get this type of relationship started, and teh sooner the better. It's easy for me to isolate, especially living in this little village, and being home all day.
The other newcomer was in the military, and shared that there is a good meeting on Thursday nights in Ansbach as well. He wasn't sure what time the meeting was, so I'm hoping to hear that it might be doable, as well. Ansbach is an hour away, so it would certainly be harder to schedule, but since it is on a military base, the native English speaker membership might make it worthwhile. I hoped I could get 3 meetings in a week, without having to go to a German one, so hopefully that works out. I'm also thinking that since one of teh routes there is almost all autobahn, I might be able to cut it down to 45 minutes if I really take advantage of the fact that there are no speed limits here!
I also went to my first lady's bible study (which I participated in before treatment, it's with our local church and is full of wonderful ladies, but none of them is recovering.) They knew that I would be in the US for treatment, but I never let them know what it was for. So when prayer requests came up today, I mentioned that I could use help in finding a sponsor. That met with some quizical looks, so I went on to explain that it was for AA, and what sponsorship means, and why it is important. So, they know now! I mean I didn't come out and say I'm an alcoholic, but they all know what AA is, so now they know. I wanted to make sure and tell them, but I wasn't sure how it would come up. It's the first time I've really shared it with anyone outside of treatment or my immediate circle, so it was kind of a milestone, and an important one for me as far as humility and honesty are concerned. Of course they were very understanding and supportive, which I expected, but it was still a significant first!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Monday Roll Call! - Gratitude List!
Weekly, on Monday's, I will try to do a roll call, where I would ask each of my readers out there to reply to my post with a comment. Today it will be a gratitude list - 5 things which we are GRATEFUL for!
1. Family
2. Love
3. Sunny weather
4. Sobriety
5. The wind rustling a wheat field
If you would like to participate just click the "Comments" link just under this post on the right side, and leave your list!
1. Family
2. Love
3. Sunny weather
4. Sobriety
5. The wind rustling a wheat field
If you would like to participate just click the "Comments" link just under this post on the right side, and leave your list!
From some of my reading this morning...
In the AA book Living Sober (1), copy right 1975, 1998...
"Anger in all its aspects is a universal human problem. But it poses a special threat to alcoholics: Our own anger can kill us. Recovered alcoholics almost unanimously agree that hostility, grudges, or resentments often make us want to drink, so we need to be vigilant against such feelings. We have found much more satisfying ways than drinking for dealing with them.
But we'll get to those later. First, here is a look at some of the shapes and colors anger seems at time to arrive in:
From Keep It Simple - June 7th -
"We can't afford to hold grudges. We have all felt hurt by others at times. But when we stay angry at another person, it hurts us. It keeps our wounds open. It takes our energy away from our healing.
We can forgive now. We know that living our program of honesty and love makes us safe. We don't have to be afraid. We don't have to be angry. We don't have to let old hurts stand in our way. We let them go. We empty the anger from our hearts to clear the way for love."
Nicely coupled with the meditation for the day from Twenty-Four Hours A Day -
"You not only can live a new life but you also can grow in grace and power and beauty. Reach ever forward and upward after the things of the spirit. In the animal world, the very form of an animal changes to enable it to reach that upon which it delights to feed. Your whole character changes as you reach upward for the things of the spirit - for beauty, for love, for honesty, for purity, and for unselfishness. Reaching after these things of the spirit, your whole nature becomes so changed so that you can best receive and delight in the wonders of the abundant life."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(1) Sober Living, AA, copy right 1975, 1998.
(2) Keep It Simple Hazelden Meditations, copyright 1989 - June 7th -
(3) Twenty-Four Hours A Day Hazelden Meditations, copyright 1954, 1975, 1992-
"Anger in all its aspects is a universal human problem. But it poses a special threat to alcoholics: Our own anger can kill us. Recovered alcoholics almost unanimously agree that hostility, grudges, or resentments often make us want to drink, so we need to be vigilant against such feelings. We have found much more satisfying ways than drinking for dealing with them.
But we'll get to those later. First, here is a look at some of the shapes and colors anger seems at time to arrive in:
- intolerance
- contempt
- envy
- hatred
- snobbishness
- rigidity
- cynicism
- discontent
- tension
- sarcasm
- self-pity
- malice
- distrust
- anxiety
- suspicion
- jealousy..."
From Keep It Simple - June 7th -
"We can't afford to hold grudges. We have all felt hurt by others at times. But when we stay angry at another person, it hurts us. It keeps our wounds open. It takes our energy away from our healing.
We can forgive now. We know that living our program of honesty and love makes us safe. We don't have to be afraid. We don't have to be angry. We don't have to let old hurts stand in our way. We let them go. We empty the anger from our hearts to clear the way for love."
Nicely coupled with the meditation for the day from Twenty-Four Hours A Day -
"You not only can live a new life but you also can grow in grace and power and beauty. Reach ever forward and upward after the things of the spirit. In the animal world, the very form of an animal changes to enable it to reach that upon which it delights to feed. Your whole character changes as you reach upward for the things of the spirit - for beauty, for love, for honesty, for purity, and for unselfishness. Reaching after these things of the spirit, your whole nature becomes so changed so that you can best receive and delight in the wonders of the abundant life."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(1) Sober Living, AA, copy right 1975, 1998.
(2) Keep It Simple Hazelden Meditations, copyright 1989 - June 7th -
(3) Twenty-Four Hours A Day Hazelden Meditations, copyright 1954, 1975, 1992-
Friday, June 4, 2010
First AA Meeting in Germany
Last night I went to my first meeting here in Germany. It's about 25 minutes from where we live, in a town called Fürth. They have a literature meeting on Monday night, a Step meeting at 6:30 on Friday, and then a topic meeting at 8 on Friday as well. I went to the 8:00 meeting, so that I could eat dinner with the family before heading out. My husband will probably join me for the same meeting next week, as it is open, but we will have to have a babysitter, which we didn't have arranged last night.
It's the first time I've been to a meeting completely by myself, without fellow patients from Valley Hope or a family member, and I guess I was a bit nervous, especially since I didn't know what to expect with a meeting here in Germany and all. There were about 10 people there including myself, with 2 others being new - so about 7 regulars. A little small, but a very comfortable number, too.
The meeting went the same as you would expect anywhere else. The topic was a daily reflection on step 6. And since it was such a small group, there was plenty of time for people to share, even if they had already shared - in response to someone else, which was nice.
Step 6 was pretty relevant to me at the moment, as is step 7. Since I completed steps 4 and 5 in treatment, and have been working steps 6 and 7 every day since then they are very much on my mind - especially now that I am back home, and working on settling back into home life. It's much easier here at home for my typical triggers to kick off some of my character defects, especially as my husband and I try to pick up where we left off. Things like impatience and selfishness spring to mind, but I am not at all limited to these defects alone!!
A couple of the comments that were made which were valuable to me last night...
1. It's important to remember that in step 7 God removes our character defects - we don't do it alone, and if we try, we may end up more frustrated than before. Trying to remove them ourselves does not serenity make. Be patient and wait on the Lord, etc. I need to remember to give my defects to God to remove, and be patient with him. As I mentioned, impatience is one of my defects, and I tend to want things done now! I need to remember that God will remove these in a perfect way, better than I ever could, and let him be sovereign.
2. It's easy to place expectations on ourselves and others as we work these steps. And when we create expectations we are only setting ourselves up for disappointment. I need to remember that first I need to get a handle on my sobriety, and then focus on my family. I need to remember that the attitude and the thinking change the behavior, and that I need honesty of behavior - not forced behavior.
So all in all the meeting was good. I will go again on Monday night. I did mention that I need a sponsor, but didn\t hear anything out of anyone, so I will continue praying about that. They did give me a contact list, so if I do need to call someone I can. Am thinking that I will pass around a list on Monday to see if anyone is interested... we'll see. I just don't want to take too long - I know how crucial that is!
Asset for the Day: Faith
It's the first time I've been to a meeting completely by myself, without fellow patients from Valley Hope or a family member, and I guess I was a bit nervous, especially since I didn't know what to expect with a meeting here in Germany and all. There were about 10 people there including myself, with 2 others being new - so about 7 regulars. A little small, but a very comfortable number, too.
The meeting went the same as you would expect anywhere else. The topic was a daily reflection on step 6. And since it was such a small group, there was plenty of time for people to share, even if they had already shared - in response to someone else, which was nice.
Step 6 was pretty relevant to me at the moment, as is step 7. Since I completed steps 4 and 5 in treatment, and have been working steps 6 and 7 every day since then they are very much on my mind - especially now that I am back home, and working on settling back into home life. It's much easier here at home for my typical triggers to kick off some of my character defects, especially as my husband and I try to pick up where we left off. Things like impatience and selfishness spring to mind, but I am not at all limited to these defects alone!!
A couple of the comments that were made which were valuable to me last night...
1. It's important to remember that in step 7 God removes our character defects - we don't do it alone, and if we try, we may end up more frustrated than before. Trying to remove them ourselves does not serenity make. Be patient and wait on the Lord, etc. I need to remember to give my defects to God to remove, and be patient with him. As I mentioned, impatience is one of my defects, and I tend to want things done now! I need to remember that God will remove these in a perfect way, better than I ever could, and let him be sovereign.
2. It's easy to place expectations on ourselves and others as we work these steps. And when we create expectations we are only setting ourselves up for disappointment. I need to remember that first I need to get a handle on my sobriety, and then focus on my family. I need to remember that the attitude and the thinking change the behavior, and that I need honesty of behavior - not forced behavior.
So all in all the meeting was good. I will go again on Monday night. I did mention that I need a sponsor, but didn\t hear anything out of anyone, so I will continue praying about that. They did give me a contact list, so if I do need to call someone I can. Am thinking that I will pass around a list on Monday to see if anyone is interested... we'll see. I just don't want to take too long - I know how crucial that is!
Asset for the Day: Faith
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Freedom
When I met up with friends at my last meeting in the states I got to see a guy named Ron, that I hadn't seen for a few weeks - since he had hung his cup at Valley Hope. He was asking me how it felt to be "out," and I told him that it felt very weird, because I was actually free.
Being at Valley Hope, our time was very structured, which was good, because it kept us busy (except on the weekends!) and it kept our days in order. Wake up early, breakfast, chapel, communications, lecture 1, women's group, lecture 2, small group, sometimes an appointment with our chaplain or counselor, and then a "hot seat" at 4 before dinner at 5. Then usually we had an AA or NA meeting after dinner. And of course going anywhere required that you sign out so that they knew where you were at all times.
So when I left - without signing out, and got in the car and was able to just decide on a whim what to do or where to go, whenever I pleased, it was almost like getting out of jail. You always here how inmates struggle when they get out of jail, because they no longer have the structure that jail provides... I could relate - and I was only there a month (and it wasn't jail! I wanted to be there!)
And so yes, I felt free. Free to go where I wanted and free to do as I pleased. And I realized that not only was I free to do all that.... I was free from alcohol.
Before I checked in to Valley Hope, I was free to come and go as I chose, but alcohol was making most of my decisions for me. It dictated the schedule of my day, it whispered in my ear when I made decisions about social engagements and even where to go on vacation. I was nowhere near free, and never free enough to NOT drink.
So driving down the road as we left Valley Hope I realized that for the first time in years and years I was actually free, and it was actually pretty uncomfortable! It has been so long since I was truly free that I felt a little lost, a little naked. After years of having alcohol tell me what to do and when to do it, it was a little disconcerting having to figure that all on my own. Add in the fact that I now need to do all this AND stay sober, and it was a bit scary. A healthy, welcome scary - but scary just the same.
At meetings you hear people talk about how happy they are that they now have the choice not to drink. Always strikes me as funny, that an alcoholic, who has to make sure that they do not take that first drink, feels that they actually have the choice, now that they are sober. Kind of ironic, because there's only one right choice if we want to stay sober. But now I see that, it was before, when I was drinking, that I truly had no choice. Alcohol was making all of my choices for me. I never had the choice whether or not to drink, because I was completely under its control. Today I have that choice, I just choose not to drink, because I know that one is too many and a thousand aren't enough.
Being at Valley Hope, our time was very structured, which was good, because it kept us busy (except on the weekends!) and it kept our days in order. Wake up early, breakfast, chapel, communications, lecture 1, women's group, lecture 2, small group, sometimes an appointment with our chaplain or counselor, and then a "hot seat" at 4 before dinner at 5. Then usually we had an AA or NA meeting after dinner. And of course going anywhere required that you sign out so that they knew where you were at all times.
So when I left - without signing out, and got in the car and was able to just decide on a whim what to do or where to go, whenever I pleased, it was almost like getting out of jail. You always here how inmates struggle when they get out of jail, because they no longer have the structure that jail provides... I could relate - and I was only there a month (and it wasn't jail! I wanted to be there!)
And so yes, I felt free. Free to go where I wanted and free to do as I pleased. And I realized that not only was I free to do all that.... I was free from alcohol.
Before I checked in to Valley Hope, I was free to come and go as I chose, but alcohol was making most of my decisions for me. It dictated the schedule of my day, it whispered in my ear when I made decisions about social engagements and even where to go on vacation. I was nowhere near free, and never free enough to NOT drink.
So driving down the road as we left Valley Hope I realized that for the first time in years and years I was actually free, and it was actually pretty uncomfortable! It has been so long since I was truly free that I felt a little lost, a little naked. After years of having alcohol tell me what to do and when to do it, it was a little disconcerting having to figure that all on my own. Add in the fact that I now need to do all this AND stay sober, and it was a bit scary. A healthy, welcome scary - but scary just the same.
At meetings you hear people talk about how happy they are that they now have the choice not to drink. Always strikes me as funny, that an alcoholic, who has to make sure that they do not take that first drink, feels that they actually have the choice, now that they are sober. Kind of ironic, because there's only one right choice if we want to stay sober. But now I see that, it was before, when I was drinking, that I truly had no choice. Alcohol was making all of my choices for me. I never had the choice whether or not to drink, because I was completely under its control. Today I have that choice, I just choose not to drink, because I know that one is too many and a thousand aren't enough.
Home Again, Home Again
Well, It was a long ride, but I made it home, safe and sound, and sober! It was about 19 hours door to door, with a 5 hour layover in Philly. No problems, just a long ride.
My theory on smoking has turned out to be accurate so far, too. The time spent on the plane knocked me right back down to my regular amount. It's no longer 2 to 3 times what it was, like while I was at Valley Hope! Now I just have to figure out when I stop for good, but all in time! Sobriety first!
Asset for the Day: Willingness!
My theory on smoking has turned out to be accurate so far, too. The time spent on the plane knocked me right back down to my regular amount. It's no longer 2 to 3 times what it was, like while I was at Valley Hope! Now I just have to figure out when I stop for good, but all in time! Sobriety first!
Asset for the Day: Willingness!
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