Just received a copy of Tozer's The Pursuit of God in the mail today and started reading it. Another book that I just read references it frequently, so I thought I would read it as well. In the second chapter Tozer discusses "The Blessedness of Posessing Nothing," as related in the beatitude of the poor in spirit (Matthew 5:3) and the story of Abraham being asked to sacrifice his son. He recounts that Abraham was asked to sacrifice his son, because Abraham's love for his only son had usurped God's position in Abraham's heart. Tozer goes on to discuss the dangers in wanting and having "things" (whether they are material or not,) and the blessing we receive when we let those things go. He points out that it does not mean we have to become beggars in the street, but that it is their possession in our heart which is relevant. I suppose for some it may however, mean actually forgoing something, just as an alcoholic must give up alcohol if they want to receive life.
Anyway, so far it's well worth the read, and it inspired me to do a little inventory here on the things that I need to focus on dispossessing, and giving over to God. I'm sure that some of these may take a lifetime, over many attempts... (in no particular order)
1. smoking (current quit date August 28th)
2. nice clothing
3. nice home things, having a perfect home
4. perfect image (think Martha Stewart)
5. recognition
6. being right
7. control, my way (this include control over other drivers on the highway :) )
8. being "better" than my sister
9. husband, marriage
10. my daughter
11. getting everything done - the prominence of my to-do list
12. family and friends
13. beauty and fitness
I will probably end up adding to this list as I ruminate on it more, but that was just what I came up with after my first impression... should be simple, no?
Friday, July 23, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
5 things I've enjoyed in the last 24 hours...
Feel free to leave a comment and share yours as well!
1. newcomers who come reularly to meetings.
2. explaining that bread comes from wheat we picked from a field to my 3 yr old daughter, and taking it apart to show her the grains.
3. explaining that pine cones come from the trees, and pointing them out to her up in the tree.
4. making and eating a quiche!
5. a good cuddle with my sleeping husband after a long day!
1. newcomers who come reularly to meetings.
2. explaining that bread comes from wheat we picked from a field to my 3 yr old daughter, and taking it apart to show her the grains.
3. explaining that pine cones come from the trees, and pointing them out to her up in the tree.
4. making and eating a quiche!
5. a good cuddle with my sleeping husband after a long day!
Friday, July 16, 2010
Sponsor!
Got a sponsor tonight! Woohoo! Finally bit the bullet and asked another woman at my home group. There really aren't more than a few regular women there, so I don't know what took me so long. For some reason it was just very difficult for me. ANd finally this week, I was just like, why am I making this so difficult? The main thing is that I have someone that I can call, and that I keep working the steps. And I know I need to do 8 and 9 with a sponsor, so anyway - I got off my butt and did it. I will refer to her here as "M-." She was very sweet about it, and has been very sweet to me since I started, but she has no kids and works days, but in the end none of that really matters when it comes to working the program, so - here we are!
We will be setting up a meeting to get started, I expect sometime in the coming week or so...
We will be setting up a meeting to get started, I expect sometime in the coming week or so...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Last Day of IOP...
Today is officially my last day with the Intensive Outpatient Program at Valley Hope. I finished up the curriculum last weekend, but was still able to participate in group stuff up until today. We opted to do it, since IOP does improve relapse rates, and VH offers an online program that was perfect for our situation. Might as well put everything in our corner that we have available to us. It required 9 hours logged online each week, which meant close to an hour and a half each day for 6 weeks. It was a bit to manage with a hectic schedule and an almost 3 year old, but by logging in at naptime each day I managed. After all, sobriety has to come first. Sometimes it seems like family should come first, but without sobriety, I can't put them first, so I knew I had to make time.
And it was very helpful to keep me engaged. The content was mostly pretty repetitive of what I learned while I was in treatment, but it was helpful to be able to review it again now that I'm back home, and by making it a daily activity I knew I was getting a regular dose of where my head should be. It was especially helpful when I first returned home, and everything felt like I was sticking a square peg into a round hole. I definitely feel much more at home again, and like I've established a good routine, some new healthy habits, and am doing pretty well at staying flexible and making time for myself even though I'm staying happily busy.
But I am pretty happy that now I will have a little extra time each day to devote to sobriety in different ways. Either reading some literature or getting on here and journaling more about recovery. I haven't been able to journal as much as I would like, and so hopefully now I'll be able to do that. In addition to writing here, I want to start keeping a daily log of positives and negatives - my daily inventory, if you like. I've been doing pretty well at running through my negatives each night as I ask forgiveness, but I think it's important to keep track of the good things we do each day as well.
Another milestone is being passed this week. My husband left for his first business trip yesterday, and returns tomorrow. Fortunately a short one! He has a couple more coming up, which will be longer, so at least this one was short to get me used to it. Before when my husband went on a business trip, it was an opportunity for me to drink. He wouldn't be around, so I could drink without the trouble of hiding it, and after all, "taking care" of my daughter without any extra help meant that I deserved it... right.
Anyway, we were both a little apprehensive about it. And when I first got back from treatment we thought that maybe I would go visit my Aunt and Uncle when this came up. But things have been going so well, I felt confident enough to give it a go. And I must say, it's been a bit like the square peg again. Yesterday I definitely had more urges than I've had in a while, probably since I first got back. But I just kept doing the next right thing, whether that was emptying the dishwasher, hanging out in the kiddie pool with my daughter, or going for a walk; and I tell you what, it works! I don't think it will ever be a picnic to have my husband gone, but it has gotten more comfortable as it passed. I'll have a lot more confidence, and I expect a lot less discomfort when he has to do it again. And, I'm quite proud of myself! (But I do miss my husband and can't wait till he's home for dinner tomorrow!
And it was very helpful to keep me engaged. The content was mostly pretty repetitive of what I learned while I was in treatment, but it was helpful to be able to review it again now that I'm back home, and by making it a daily activity I knew I was getting a regular dose of where my head should be. It was especially helpful when I first returned home, and everything felt like I was sticking a square peg into a round hole. I definitely feel much more at home again, and like I've established a good routine, some new healthy habits, and am doing pretty well at staying flexible and making time for myself even though I'm staying happily busy.
But I am pretty happy that now I will have a little extra time each day to devote to sobriety in different ways. Either reading some literature or getting on here and journaling more about recovery. I haven't been able to journal as much as I would like, and so hopefully now I'll be able to do that. In addition to writing here, I want to start keeping a daily log of positives and negatives - my daily inventory, if you like. I've been doing pretty well at running through my negatives each night as I ask forgiveness, but I think it's important to keep track of the good things we do each day as well.
Another milestone is being passed this week. My husband left for his first business trip yesterday, and returns tomorrow. Fortunately a short one! He has a couple more coming up, which will be longer, so at least this one was short to get me used to it. Before when my husband went on a business trip, it was an opportunity for me to drink. He wouldn't be around, so I could drink without the trouble of hiding it, and after all, "taking care" of my daughter without any extra help meant that I deserved it... right.
Anyway, we were both a little apprehensive about it. And when I first got back from treatment we thought that maybe I would go visit my Aunt and Uncle when this came up. But things have been going so well, I felt confident enough to give it a go. And I must say, it's been a bit like the square peg again. Yesterday I definitely had more urges than I've had in a while, probably since I first got back. But I just kept doing the next right thing, whether that was emptying the dishwasher, hanging out in the kiddie pool with my daughter, or going for a walk; and I tell you what, it works! I don't think it will ever be a picnic to have my husband gone, but it has gotten more comfortable as it passed. I'll have a lot more confidence, and I expect a lot less discomfort when he has to do it again. And, I'm quite proud of myself! (But I do miss my husband and can't wait till he's home for dinner tomorrow!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Big Book on Resentments... Page 552, 4th Edition
Just typed this up for a friend, and since I had it transcribed, thought I would share it here as well... has worked well so far for me, too.
"'If you have resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.'
It worked for me then, and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it always comes. And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, 'The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.'"
"'If you have resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.'
It worked for me then, and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it always comes. And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, 'The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.'"
Thursday, July 8, 2010
From 24 Hours a Day...
Disillusionment and doubt spoil life. The doubting ones are the disillusioned ones. When you are in doubt, you are on the fence. You are not going anywhere. Doubt poisons all action. "Well, I don't know" - so you don't do anything. You should meet life with a "Yes," an affirmative attitude. There is good in the world and we can follow that good. There is power available to help us to do the right thing; therefore we will accept that power. There are miracles of change in people's lives; therefore we will accept those miracles as evidence of God's power.
Prayer for the Day:
I pray that I will not be paralyzed by doubt. I pray that I may go along on the venture of faith.
Twenty-Four Hours a Day - Hazelden Meditations, 1954
For me today this says something about what I need to do to get a sponsor - stop doubting and take action despite it. Have faith about it, and stop waiting to see...
Prayer for the Day:
I pray that I will not be paralyzed by doubt. I pray that I may go along on the venture of faith.
Twenty-Four Hours a Day - Hazelden Meditations, 1954
For me today this says something about what I need to do to get a sponsor - stop doubting and take action despite it. Have faith about it, and stop waiting to see...
Friday, July 2, 2010
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